little reminders.

i was listening to a podcast about miscarriage yesterday. i wasn't sure if i could make it through the episode without breaking down, but i figured all i had to do was hit stop if it became too much. a half hour later, i finished it having not shed one tear.

later in the day, i listed to another podcast about knowing when to have more children and when to stop. two of the ladies announced their pregnancies during the episode. when asked their due dates, one happily said february. and my heart sank.

my due date would have been february 24, 2019. 

little reminders of this loss + pain + grief have randomly caught me off guard and break my heart all over again - like walking by the third bedroom that was supposed to be the nursery next spring, or seeing my prenatal vitamins sitting on my desk at work, or finding the screenshot of the ultrasound picture of our sweet baby. it's getting easier, but i'm learning that i will always carry that loss with me.

i woke up an hour before my alarm was set to go off this morning. very rarely does this happen, but when it does, i know it's the Lord. i got out of bed, washed my face, and opened my bible app. after some searching, i landed on a devotional about miscarriage. the passage for day one is lamentations 3:19-24.

19 - the thought of my suffering and homelessness is bitter beyond words.
20 - i will never forget this time, as i grieve over my loss.
21 - yet i still dare to hope when i remember this:
22 - the faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease.
23 - Great is His faithfulness; His mercies begin afresh each morning. 
24 - i say to myself, "the Lord is my inheritance; therefore, i will hope in Him!" 

i have read verses 22-24 countless times, but never have i particularly noticed verses 19-21. the Lord showed me that my suffering, my grief, my loss - it's okay to feel it deeply. it's okay to mourn + cry + feel that pain. there will always be little reminders of my loss, but verse 21 is also a reminder that i can be hopeful in Him because He is faithful + merciful.


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