H A P P E N I N G S 

-  i took my nieces + jackson to the new library downtown, and he LOVED it!

-  we didn't have childcare one day, so i took the day off with jackson. jared, jackson, myself, my sister-in-law, and her family went to the zoo that evening, and it was so fun watching how enamored jackson was with the animals.

-  we celebrated the fourth of july at the lake. we camped with family + spent the morning on my brother-in-law's boat.

-  i started watching white collar, and i can't stop.

we lost our sweet baby this month. i am doing okay. i'll be honest in saying that having jackson helps because if not, i'd just want to stay in bed a lot. but i find great comfort in the Lord. He has been tender with me during this whole thing.

  R E A L I Z A T I O N S 

-  if there's one thing i've learned in motherhood (which of course there's more than one; like 792 things), it's that i have to make time for the things i love. at the beginning of the year, i set out to read 12 books. i quickly realized how much i've missed reading over the past couple years, and i immersed myself in reading once jackson was in bed for the night. so far this year, i surpassed my goal and finished my 14th book!

-  taking a walk is therapeutic.  

-  mcdonald's cold brew frozen coffee is actually really, really good. especially at two in the morning when you're driving around with your husband, desperately trying to get your son to go back to sleep.


-  i found five different journals with about ten pages of writing/lists/thoughts. i'm starting to wonder if i will ever be able to fill one journal in my lifetime.

  S N A P S H O T S  
-  these cuddles don't happen often. i think jack knew mama was sad.
-  jared + i ate dinner on the patio because the weather was actually decent.
-  ice cream + double chocolate muffins.
-  so much progress on our home renovation.

  D A I L I E S  
-  MONDAY was one of the hardest days of my life.
-  i spent most of TUESDAY in bed binging netflix, just wishing the day away.
-  WEDNESDAY was more relaxing + taking it easy.
-  i ventured out of the house on THURSDAY and cried a lot, but it was good for me.
-  my niece + i went shopping on FRIDAY.
-  my family came to visit on SATURDAY.
-  on SUNDAY, we started painting the house. we are getting close!

  L I N K S  
+  i found my old blog from years ago. if you want a good laugh, go read some of the posts.
+  my sister-in-law recently launched her product on amazon.
+  i've been pinning a lot recently. [renovating a home = stalking pinterest + joanna gaines]

there was no heartbeat.

it took us a couple seconds to process what our doctor had just said. not ten minutes before, i had showed jared the ultrasound pictures from my scan earlier that morning.

up until that horrific moment, i had no inclination or physical signs that anything was wrong with our baby. at nine weeks and one day, i knew we were close to being out of that danger zone. i didn't think twice when the ultrasound tech didn't listen for the heartbeat. with jackson, i heard his at seven weeks, but i was too wrapped up in seeing our unborn baby on the monitor. we did not plan to get pregnant so soon, but the shock of it all was finally starting to wear off.

i joked with the tech, "there's only one, right?" she indicated so, never letting on that our baby was actually already in heaven with Jesus.

we sat in the room with our doctor and cried for awhile. despite having received such tragic news, i was also trying to corral a restless one-year-old. i still had to be his mama in that moment. it was a juxtaposition of sorts.

the rest of the evening was a numb blur. waves of grief hit jared + i sporadically. like when i grabbed my phone out of my purse, glancing at the CD of sonogram pictures the ultrasound tech gave me that morning. how cruel, i thought to myself. but she couldn't legally say anything. or how the notification on my pregnancy app was cheerfully reminding me of some random information about the baby. i turned them off because it was yet another painful reminder.

i miscarried today. as i'm writing this. right now. and it's . . . words don't come as freely as the tears do currently.

the support we have received has been overwhelming. our people have loved us so fiercely in the past twenty-four hours. nothing makes this easier, but having others around to grieve with us helps.

in all this, i am not mad at God. i don't blame Him. because what i know to be true about Him is this: He is still good. He is right here with us in this process of healing + moving ahead. He will make something beautiful from the ashes, even if i don't see it this side of heaven.

we celebrated jackson's first year over the weekend! since our home is being renovated, we hosted the party at moxie junction in maize. it's a coffee shop, which may sound strange for a one year old's birthday party, but here's my thinking: jackson didn't have any idea what was going on or where he was, so why not make it fun for those of us who are there? a coffee shop sounded like the perfect spot. everyone got free coffee + chatted thoughout the party, so it was a genius plan.

the party was wonderful, but no one told me how stressed i would be trying to get everything ready and entertaining everyone and how i would only be able to finally breathe + relax when i got home later that evening. haha! but it was still a great party with family + a few close friends.

▹  reading:  i finished the perfect mother a couple days ago. i give it a solid four stars.    

▹  watching:  season two of riverdale. judge me allll you want. i've already judged myself.

▹  listening:  what should i read next?  |  the popcast  |  in the dark     

▹  drinking: coffee + water. always + forever.

▹  planning:  our home renovation.  

▹  craving:  a chocolate milkshake.

▹  learning:  that social media can be loud + i don't have to be part of it just because everyone else is.

  enjoying:  evening walks. i'd rather not be sweating profusely, but i'll take it over winter any day.

▹  thinking:  about how crazy this season of our lives are. we are thankful in the middle of the chaos. 

▹  making me happy:  the joy of dogs when they're riding in a car with their heads hanging out of the window. pausing to marvel a stunning sunset. night swimming under the stars. black nail polish. baby giggles. ending the day with a good book. wildflowers.



-  motherhood is a big realization of all the things my parents did for me when i was a kid.

-  without fail- all the books i put on hold at the library come in at the same time. every. single. time.

this episode of annie f. downs' podcast changed me. it is so, so good.

-  i really wanted to quit jackson's monthly pictures at one point, but i'm really happy i stuck with it. 


-  we sold our house in park city.

camped in oklahoma for a few days to celebrate jared's birthday.

-  the renovation of our new (to us) home began. 

-  watched the hans solo movie. [3 stars]

-  my niece started a new blog! we are living with her + her family, so it's fun to talk about our blogs.

-  celebrated jackson's first birthday!