there was no heartbeat.

it took us a couple seconds to process what our doctor had just said. not ten minutes before, i had showed jared the ultrasound pictures from my scan earlier that morning.

up until that horrific moment, i had no inclination or physical signs that anything was wrong with our baby. at nine weeks and one day, i knew we were close to being out of that danger zone. i didn't think twice when the ultrasound tech didn't listen for the heartbeat. with jackson, i heard his at seven weeks, but i was too wrapped up in seeing our unborn baby on the monitor. we did not plan to get pregnant so soon, but the shock of it all was finally starting to wear off.

i joked with the tech, "there's only one, right?" she indicated so, never letting on that our baby was actually already in heaven with Jesus.

we sat in the room with our doctor and cried for awhile. despite having received such tragic news, i was also trying to corral a restless one-year-old. i still had to be his mama in that moment. it was a juxtaposition of sorts.

the rest of the evening was a numb blur. waves of grief hit jared + i sporadically. like when i grabbed my phone out of my purse, glancing at the CD of sonogram pictures the ultrasound tech gave me that morning. how cruel, i thought to myself. but she couldn't legally say anything. or how the notification on my pregnancy app was cheerfully reminding me of some random information about the baby. i turned them off because it was yet another painful reminder.

i miscarried today. as i'm writing this. right now. and it's . . . words don't come as freely as the tears do currently.

the support we have received has been overwhelming. our people have loved us so fiercely in the past twenty-four hours. nothing makes this easier, but having others around to grieve with us helps.

in all this, i am not mad at God. i don't blame Him. because what i know to be true about Him is this: He is still good. He is right here with us in this process of healing + moving ahead. He will make something beautiful from the ashes, even if i don't see it this side of heaven.


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