Monday, August 13, 2018

the weekly: august 6th - august 12th.

  S N A P S H O T S  
-  jackson loves to read. and by "read" - i mean he likes to flip through every page really fast.
-  shopping on saturday morning for house supplies.
-  my coffee mug matched my socks.
-  we moved some furniture into our house!!!!! [not sorry for those excessive exclamation points]

  D A I L I E S  
-  MONDAY:  jackson loves to go shopping with mama. he waves at everyone and says hhiiii.
-  TUESDAY:  finally getting caught up at work. a lot of stress was lifted when i started reminding myself of truths.
-  WEDNESDAY:  i started listening to my first audiobook, big little lies. it's free with my state library e-card!
-  THURSDAY:  jackson + i played all evening while daddy worked on the house.
-  FRIDAY:  spent the evening painting + listening to an audiobook.
-  SATURDAY:  we worked on the house most of the day. it was a really good day.
-  SUNDAY: church + house shopping. we bought a washer + dryer! i love doing laundry. [i know, i know.]

  P R E V I O U S L Y  on  W I L D B L O O M  
+  i remember writing this post last summer while jared fixed a broken toilet at 11pm.
+  five year later and half of these have changed.
+  LOL to when i used to post my monthly goals on the blog.
+  i still love my city!

Friday, August 10, 2018

seven random facts about me.

+  i absolutely, weirdly LOVE vacuuming. i would vacuum every single day if i could.

+  i'm ride or die for the oxford comma.

+  i placed third in my fifth grade science fair. my project was color changing roses.

+  i am the worst gift wrapper.

+  puns, dad jokes, + sarcasm are my jam.

+  i always wait to pack until the last minute. like literally- the day of jackson's birth, i packed my hospital bag.

+  i used to silently judge people who used e-readers. and then i had a baby. now i'm a proud kindle owner.

Monday, August 6, 2018

the weekly: july 30th - august 5th.

  S N A P S H O T S  
-  this kid loves evening walks. i play worship music + walk around the neighborhood before his bedtime.
-  YOU GUYS. run to walmart right now and buy this cookie butter.  
-  we have received sweet little 'thinking of you' gifts from friends lately.
-  dessert from my mother-in-law.

  D A I L I E S  
-  MONDAY was my first day back to work. it was hard, but i did it.
-  i spent TUESDAY night painting over at the house.
-  i started reading "why i hate green beans" on WEDNESDAY.
-  jackson + i enjoyed a peaceful evening on THURSDAY with a walk + extra snacks.
-  i had a rough day at work on FRIDAY, but it ended well with strawberry shortcake.
-  SATURDAY was so glorious. i did housework + hung out with jackson all day.
-  we worked on the house for a couple hours on SUNDAY while jack napped.

  P R E V I O U S L Y  on  W I L D B L O O M  
+  i am considering another polaroid project for next year. here is the 2014 polaroid project.
+  i shared my bullet journal two years ago on the blog. i recently purchased an agendio planner. i'm SO excited!
+  i recently went back through every single blog post and updated old content + broken links and stumbled across this post. i'd like to post a recap of each week, but i'm also realistic and know it may not happen. but for now, i really enjoy this old way of blogging! i am so inspired after reading through all of my old posts. [and a little embarrassed at some things i wrote. haha!]

Thursday, August 2, 2018

little reminders.

i was listening to a podcast about miscarriage yesterday. i wasn't sure if i could make it through the episode without breaking down, but i figured all i had to do was hit stop if it became too much. a half hour later, i finished it having not shed one tear.

later in the day, i listed to another podcast about knowing when to have more children and when to stop. two of the ladies announced their pregnancies during the episode. when asked their due dates, one happily said february. and my heart sank.

my due date would have been february 24, 2019. 

little reminders of this loss + pain + grief have randomly caught me off guard and break my heart all over again - like walking by the third bedroom that was supposed to be the nursery next spring, or seeing my prenatal vitamins sitting on my desk at work, or finding the screenshot of the ultrasound picture of our sweet baby. it's getting easier, but i'm learning that i will always carry that loss with me.

i woke up an hour before my alarm was set to go off this morning. very rarely does this happen, but when it does, i know it's the Lord. i got out of bed, washed my face, and opened my bible app. after some searching, i landed on a devotional about miscarriage. the passage for day one is lamentations 3:19-24.

19 - the thought of my suffering and homelessness is bitter beyond words.
20 - i will never forget this time, as i grieve over my loss.
21 - yet i still dare to hope when i remember this:
22 - the faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease.
23 - Great is His faithfulness; His mercies begin afresh each morning. 
24 - i say to myself, "the Lord is my inheritance; therefore, i will hope in Him!" 

i have read verses 22-24 countless times, but never have i particularly noticed verses 19-21. the Lord showed me that my suffering, my grief, my loss - it's okay to feel it deeply. it's okay to mourn + cry + feel that pain. there will always be little reminders of my loss, but verse 21 is also a reminder that i can be hopeful in Him because He is faithful + merciful.

Tuesday, July 31, 2018

JULY 2018.

  H A P P E N I N G S 

-  i took my nieces + jackson to the new library downtown, and he LOVED it!

-  we didn't have childcare one day, so i took the day off with jackson. jared, jackson, myself, my sister-in-law, and her family went to the zoo that evening, and it was so fun watching how enamored jackson was with the animals.

-  we celebrated the fourth of july at the lake. we camped with family + spent the morning on my brother-in-law's boat.

-  i started watching white collar, and i can't stop.

we lost our sweet baby this month. i am doing okay. i'll be honest in saying that having jackson helps because if not, i'd just want to stay in bed a lot. but i find great comfort in the Lord. He has been tender with me during this whole thing.

  R E A L I Z A T I O N S 

-  if there's one thing i've learned in motherhood (which of course there's more than one; like 792 things), it's that i have to make time for the things i love. at the beginning of the year, i set out to read 12 books. i quickly realized how much i've missed reading over the past couple years, and i immersed myself in reading once jackson was in bed for the night. so far this year, i surpassed my goal and finished my 14th book!

-  taking a walk is therapeutic.  

-  mcdonald's cold brew frozen coffee is actually really, really good. especially at two in the morning when you're driving around with your husband, desperately trying to get your son to go back to sleep.


-  i found five different journals with about ten pages of writing/lists/thoughts. i'm starting to wonder if i will ever be able to fill one journal in my lifetime.

Monday, July 30, 2018

the weekly.

  S N A P S H O T S  
-  these cuddles don't happen often. i think jack knew mama was sad.
-  jared + i ate dinner on the patio because the weather was actually decent.
-  ice cream + double chocolate muffins.
-  so much progress on our home renovation.

  D A I L I E S  
-  MONDAY was one of the hardest days of my life.
-  i spent most of TUESDAY in bed binging netflix, just wishing the day away.
-  WEDNESDAY was more relaxing + taking it easy.
-  i ventured out of the house on THURSDAY and cried a lot, but it was good for me.
-  my niece + i went shopping on FRIDAY.
-  my family came to visit on SATURDAY.
-  on SUNDAY, we started painting the house. we are getting close!

  L I N K S  
+  i found my old blog from years ago. if you want a good laugh, go read some of the posts.
+  my sister-in-law recently launched her product on amazon.
+  i've been pinning a lot recently. [renovating a home = stalking pinterest + joanna gaines]

Tuesday, July 24, 2018


there was no heartbeat.

it took us a couple seconds to process what our doctor had just said. not ten minutes before, i had showed jared the ultrasound pictures from my scan earlier that morning.

up until that horrific moment, i had no inclination or physical signs that anything was wrong with our baby. at nine weeks and one day, i knew we were close to being out of that danger zone. i didn't think twice when the ultrasound tech didn't listen for the heartbeat. with jackson, i heard his at seven weeks, but i was too wrapped up in seeing our unborn baby on the monitor. we did not plan to get pregnant so soon, but the shock of it all was finally starting to wear off.

i joked with the tech, "there's only one, right?" she indicated so, never letting on that our baby was actually already in heaven with Jesus.

we sat in the room with our doctor and cried for awhile. despite having received such tragic news, i was also trying to corral a restless one-year-old. i still had to be his mama in that moment. it was a juxtaposition of sorts.

the rest of the evening was a numb blur. waves of grief hit jared + i sporadically. like when i grabbed my phone out of my purse, glancing at the CD of sonogram pictures the ultrasound tech gave me that morning. how cruel, i thought to myself. but she couldn't legally say anything. or how the notification on my pregnancy app was cheerfully reminding me of some random information about the baby. i turned them off because it was yet another painful reminder.

i miscarried today. as i'm writing this. right now. and it's . . . words don't come as freely as the tears do currently.

the support we have received has been overwhelming. our people have loved us so fiercely in the past twenty-four hours. nothing makes this easier, but having others around to grieve with us helps.

in all this, i am not mad at God. i don't blame Him. because what i know to be true about Him is this: He is still good. He is right here with us in this process of healing + moving ahead. He will make something beautiful from the ashes, even if i don't see it this side of heaven.