what i thought would be a normal saturday proved otherwise. the girl who awoke that morning was not the same girl who laid her head on the pillow that evening. the events of the last six weeks [coupled with other happenings of this year] led to a moment so beautiful and so life-changing. i found myself on my knees, at the feet of Jesus - completely and utterly broken.
it was there in the middle of my mess - in all my sin and pride and selfishness - that i saw the magnitude of His grace.
somewhere along the way, i formed this strange notion that once i was holy enough and godly enough - then God would surely bless me with all the desires of my heart. it was almost as if i felt entitled. if i loved God enough, then He would bless me. the fulfillment of those desires became my motivation in loving and serving the Lord.
through the tears, i poured out my heart to God on the pages of my journal. raw and honest. heartbroken and hopeful. i wrote these words,
every dream, every desire, every hope - i surrender it all to You. this means everything. my heart, my mind, my plans, my life. and yes, Lord - my singleness. i am painfully aware of what that means. but i am letting go. all to Jesus i surrender. all to Him i freely give. i will ever love and trust Him, in His presence daily live.
writing those words broke my heart. complete and total surrender is bittersweet process. more sweet than bitter though because the end result is more Jesus. all of Jesus. in my quest to learn about true surrender, i came across these words of wisdom by oswald chambers:
our motive for surrender should not be for any personal gain at all. we have become so self-centered that we go to God only for something from Him, & not for God Himself. it is like saying, "no, Lord, i don’t want You; i want myself. but i do want You to clean me & fill me with Your Holy Spirit. i want to be on display in Your showcase so i can say, ‘this is what God has done for me.’ ” gaining heaven, being delivered from sin, & being made useful to God are things that should never even be a consideration in real surrender.
genuine total surrender is a personal sovereign preference for Jesus Christ Himself.
genuine total surrender. what does it look like? Jesus said, "if anyone would come after Me, let him deny himself, take up his cross daily and follow Me." and then He showed the most beautiful, genuine act of total surrender by doing just that - He went to the cross and died for me.
i came undone on that not-so-normal saturday afternoon, and i haven't been the same since. i'm learning each day to live in total surrender. giving Jesus everything. every part of me. of my heart. of my life.
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