on easter of 2022, jared opened up to me about not wanting to pursue further testing to have more children. i was getting ready to take jackson to our church's easter egg hunt. his confession surprised me, but i respected his decision. after walking through our fifth miscarriage just six months prior, i understood exactly why he wanted to be done.
the next easter (2023), i was fighting this weird sadness all day. after we got home from church that evening, i confessed my feelings to jared + wondered if easter (my fav holiday!) would always be a reminder of our decision. i had secretly held on to the smallest sliver of hope that one day i would share news of a miracle baby, but i never told him this because it was just where my mind would go when i would daydream.
i did not expect him to respond the way he did.
he paused and proceeded to tell me about how during worship several weeks prior, the Lord spoke a word to him that was so strong that he couldn't deny it was real + it was true. the elder of our church was talking about the miracle they received when their son was just a kid -- how the Lord literally straightened his legs.
and as dewayne was telling this story, the Lord spoke so clearly + vividly to jared: "i'm going to give you the miracle of another baby." jared was shaken. he had full faith that the Lord would + could do it. but he didn't know how to approach the subject with me. that was, until i brought it up that easter evening.
when he finished recounting that story to me, i just looked at him + said:
okay. let's do it.
no questions. no hesitation. just full faith.
given our history, i assumed we would get pregnant right away. but as month after month passed, i kept getting negative tests.
on a wednesday in mid february, i took a pregnancy test a week before my period was supposed to start. it was negative. a few days later on saturday, i started spotting + marked it on my period app as the first day of my period. but it never fully came as a normal flow; just spotting for several days.
i started to worry i might have another ovarion cyst or fibroid that had burst, because my periods are normal + predictable. that following wednesday, after sharing my worries with jared, he asked me to take one more pregnancy test. i obliged, because i knew it would be negative. i sat the test on the table + continued talking with jared as i recounted my work day to him. i glanced over at the test + had to do a double take.
there were two lines.
i gasped. jared exclaimed, "you ARE pregnant!" i was shocked. i obviously knew it could be a possibility, but i was so sure i wasn't pregnant. this marked our tenth month of trying to get pregnant.
i went to the bedroom to change out of my work clothes. and that's when the tears started. fear was already threatening to invade my thoughts. so i started to pray.
i trust You.
You are in control.
You are holding this together.
during worship that night at oneighty, i came undone. we sang "tremble" + i was in such surrender during that moment. it's one i will never forget.
after a few days of processing the news, we decided to tell the leaders of our church. we told them the story from a year prior + asked for prayer as we embarked on this faith journey.
i visited the doctor at eight weeks + he wanted to test my levels. this was expected. my HCG continued to rise with each blood test (praise Him!), but my progesterone was incredibly low from the first test. i started on progesterone medication, much to my disappointment. i thought this somehow meant my faith wasn't big enough, but that was just fear talking. the Lord can use + do whatever He wants to accomplish His will. so after more tests, i started the max dose of progesterone.
we took the next four weeks moment by moment, day by day. each morning, i stood in the boardroom at work and prayed for our baby. i praised the Lord for His miracle.
i trust You.
You are in control.
You are holding this together.
i had blood testing at eleven weeks to test for genetic abnormalities. i would have declined to do so, because it wouldn't have changed anything for us, but my doctor said they could tell me the gender with the same test, so i agreed.
in the same boardroom i prayed in each day, i facetimed the boys because i could not wait until i got home to open the test results. as the result came up on the screen, i wept.
IT'S A GIRL! 💜
we announced our pregnancy to the world later that week.
---
at our 20-week anatomy scan, i really had to fight fear the week leading up to the appointment. as we pulled into the parking lot, i realized it was the same clinic where i had previously visited + had a heartbreaking result. i couldn't believe it - the same clinic!
as we walked to the parking lot after our appointment, i began to cry. oh how drastic the two experiences were: one of heartbreak + loss and one of joy + good news. the Lord was with me through both.
He has been with me through each loss, through each prayer, through each tear. He is Jehovah Jireh, our Provider.
there is no way this pregnancy can be explained, other than a miracle from the Lord. it has challenged + stretched my faith in ways i didn't know were possible. i am so grateful for this season, for our girl, + for what the Lord has done.
0 Comments