whole

today is pregnancy + infant loss remembrance day.

we remember-

it's not as if we could forget.

i'm reminded every time someone asks how many kids i have. 

the answer is six.

but i say one.

--

as my husband sang these words during worship:

"if you walked in broken, 

you're gonna walk out whole."

the unmistakable voice of the Spirit spoke those words back to me. 

"you walked in here tonight carrying the brokenness of your losses.

but tonight you will walk out with a healed heart.

it won't mean you no longer grieve,

or that you have forgotten about those babies,

but your brokenness is made whole through Me."

oh, what marvelous grace.

--

despite the sorrow

and the searing pain of each loss,

i know this one thing to be absolute truth:

the Lord is good.

His faithfulness-

His peace-

His grace-

are why i can keep moving

and why joy abounds,

even in the midst of deep grief.

i don't know why i walked through five miscarriages.

i may never know.

but i do know this:

He was there in the moments i found out

He was in the middle of my grieving,

and He carried me through it all.

--

i often get asked how i can hold other peoples' babies in the church nursery. this question is one of curiosity + sometimes confusion. how can a woman who has walked through five miscarriages hold everyone else's baby week in + week out?

the answer is Jesus.

He was there with me, at each appointment, when the screen did not reveal a flickering heartbeat. He was there as i screamed at Him in my car. He was there as my body bled + as i passed my babies out of my body. He was there then + He is here now on the other side.

because i believe that life begins at conception, i know those babies are with Jesus now. knowing that brings me great comfort, which in turn, gives me great joy to hold other babies. (you could be a literal stranger + hand me your baby + i would not bat an eye.)