Monday, October 21, 2019

the scars we carry.


i walked into the waiting room of my doctor's office last week. as i made my way to the check-in desk, a photo on a cork board caught my attention. i blinked + inched closer to the photo. the nurse was waiting for me to tell her my name, but all i said was "MY BABY!"

when jackson was a few days old, i went in for that first post-birth checkup. i remember it so vividly, as if it happened yesterday instead of over two years prior. the lack of sleep, learning to breastfeed, the struggle (mental + physical) from an unplanned, emergency c-section, the intense baby blues- all of it. i remember sitting down with the doctor, and exactly one second after he asked me how we were, i burst into tears. after talking about the insanity of those past few days, our doctor asked if he could take a photo with jackson.

and that's the photo i saw on the cork board in his waiting room. it was as if my eyes had these mother-instinctual magnets and knew exactly which baby was mine on a display of over twenty babies.

i stood there for a few seconds too long, seeing the nurse shift on her feet out of my peripheral. i snapped out of that daze-like stare and gave her my name. i recounted that moment + that day to my doctor a few minutes later, and he just laughed because i know he remembers me on that day, too.

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i shared this podcast episode about body after baby from risen motherhood on my weekly recap post. i took the long way home from work one day last week and listened to that episode as the sun sat over downtown wichita. when betsy talked about how Jesus, in his His glorified body, didn't take away His scars, it was as if all the heaviness i carried since jackson' birth lifted. i felt lighter. her words were like Light to that darkness.

after i had jackson, people would comment on how great i looked. i dropped the weight faster than i expected because of my dairy-free diet. but when i looked in the mirror, all i saw was a c-section scar- a constant reminder of the shame + disappointment + sadness i carried after what felt like failing at being a woman.

i know that God is mending my heart because the other day, i was talking with someone about childbirth, and she said, "isn't it amazing how God designed our bodies to do that?" she was referring to pushing a baby out of your body. normally that sentence would have crushed me + sent me into a tear-filled tailspin for days.

but i just smiled. because God did design our bodies for childbirth, no matter how that may look. no one gets a medal for an unmedicated delivery just as a woman still gives birth via c-section.

God has used that experience in many beautiful ways. i don't know if i will ever be able to birth another baby, but i do know that my worth is in Christ alone.




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