Sunday, April 28, 2019

He is where the joy is.




it has been a week since we lost out third baby via miscarriage.

i was mentally/physically/spiritually at one of the lowest points of my life. i shut everyone out except jared + my mom. people told me they were praying for me, and i secretly wanted to tell them that it didn't matter. the grief i felt was so heavy. i didn't want to leave the house ever again.

but i did. i went back to work on tuesday. i had a lot of anxiety about it, but i did okay. a co-worker fumbled through a "sorry for your loss" and finally stopped and said, "i don't honestly know what to say." neither do i, really. throughout this entire loss, (all three really, but the most recent even more so) the most comforting words are ones that don't try to explain it away. no compartmentalizing or giving a quippy answer like "there is a reason for everything" or some christianize statement to gloss over the pain.

on friday, we went to the lake for a few hours to see jared's parents + introduce jackson to fishing. (spoiler alert: he was only interested in throwing rocks into the water.) on the drive out there, we talked about my day, and jared commented on how i seemed a little more like myself. i agreed. in the first few days after our loss, i was so despondent that i wondered if i would ever move on from the immense grief + pain that seemed to infect every cell of my body.

while i haven't "moved on" - i have made an effort to still live my life. this looks like treating myself to sheet masks from target, reading my bible, going outside to soak in the sun, listening to t-swift's song too many times, and putting my phone down to soak in the little bits of beauty around me.

so many people have reached out, and i am overwhelmingly grateful. to those who have lifted me up to the feet of Jesus, thank you. He is where the joy is, even in the pain + grief.

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