Monday, May 14, 2018

joyful magic.




yesterday was mother's day. i had these wonderful visions of how joyful + magical my first mother's day would be.

but instead, i let one little interaction with someone before church shape the entirety of my day. people walked up to me and cheerfully wished me a happy mother's day. it caught me off guard every single time. i'd surprisingly + awkwardly say oh, thank you. i was so caught up in that one conversation that i couldn't even remember that it was mother's day.

that's something i dislike about myself immensely. someone can say something thoughtless or do something hurtful, and i let it fester beneath the surface for far too long. it ruins my day, my mood, my attitude, and makes me not so fun to be around.

jared called me out on it when we were installing jackson's new car seat. he reminded me that the incident really didn't matter. i knew he was right. but i was trying to make everyone happy yesterday, and i put that burden on myself when i didn't have to.

you'd think that with the aftermath of jackson's birth that i would've learned to have low to zero expectations. alas- i'm constantly learning + re-learning these lessons in life. i think it's okay to have expectations, but it's not okay to hold them with a white-knuckled grip.

my first mother's day may not have been what i'd hoped for, but i woke up this morning today realization: i don't need one day to celebrate motherhood because i have bits + pieces of joyful magic every single day. like when i went into jackson's room to wake him up, he laid his head on my shoulder as we walked into the living room. or when i was taking him to the sitter's house, he kept saying DADADA with his cute little baby voice. or when he made his funny face at me as i left for work. or the dozens of tiny moments that melt my heart all the time. they add up to a lifetime of joy.


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