Wednesday, September 6, 2017

coming back to me.




"i did not feel like ME after having my firstborn, but it's been the most beautiful journey
 coming back to me and learning who i really am through motherhood."  


i feel those words deep down in my soul. those twenty-nine words strung together perfectly sum up the last two months of my life. motherhood is one of the best experiences, but goodness- it rocked my world in the beginning. there were many moments in those first few weeks that i didn't recognize the girl looking back at me in the mirror. it was more than the physical changes + exhausted eyes. i didn't really know who i was anymore. but - as chrissy so poignantly said - it has been a beautiful journey to re-discover who i am now.

for weeks, i was a typical new mom: uptight about every little thing pertaining to jackson. not willing to accept help because i felt the need to show everyone i could do it all. worrying about the what ifs and should haves. gah, i was a hot mess, y'all. after days of tears + no sleep, jared gave me no choice: his mom was coming over to watch jackson while i showered, brushed my hair, and took a few minutes to myself. not only did that snap me out of those postpartum baby blues, it opened my eyes to the importance of self-care.

i chopped six+ inches of hair off last night. it was a symbolic way of getting rid of the dead stuff in my life. i'm learning that a little bit of "me time" means i can give all of me to my family and be fully present versus giving them every bit of me and being stressed/tired. it isn't selfish; it's healthy.

tauren wells' song - hills and valleys - has been my motherhood anthem. it came on the radio during that first week of jackson's life. i had a moment with the Lord in the car that was so sweet. i'm so thankful that the Lord is close to the brokenhearted and welcomes us back with open arms when we've wandered.

this new dynamic is a challenging, ever-constant learning process. it's wild + messy + humbling + fun + i'm taking in every single moment.

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