Monday, August 13, 2018

the weekly: august 6th - august 12th.





  S N A P S H O T S  
-  jackson loves to read. and by "read" - i mean he likes to flip through every page really fast.
-  shopping on saturday morning for house supplies.
-  my coffee mug matched my socks.
-  we moved some furniture into our house!!!!! [not sorry for those excessive exclamation points]


  D A I L I E S  
-  MONDAY:  jackson loves to go shopping with mama. he waves at everyone and says hhiiii.
-  TUESDAY:  finally getting caught up at work. a lot of stress was lifted when i started reminding myself of truths.
-  WEDNESDAY:  i started listening to my first audiobook, big little lies. it's free with my state library e-card!
-  THURSDAY:  jackson + i played all evening while daddy worked on the house.
-  FRIDAY:  spent the evening painting + listening to an audiobook.
-  SATURDAY:  we worked on the house most of the day. it was a really good day.
-  SUNDAY: church + house shopping. we bought a washer + dryer! i love doing laundry. [i know, i know.]


  P R E V I O U S L Y  on  W I L D B L O O M  
+  i remember writing this post last summer while jared fixed a broken toilet at 11pm.
+  five year later and half of these have changed.
+  LOL to when i used to post my monthly goals on the blog.
+  i still love my city!



Friday, August 10, 2018

seven random facts about me.




+  i absolutely, weirdly LOVE vacuuming. i would vacuum every single day if i could.

+  i'm ride or die for the oxford comma.

+  i placed third in my fifth grade science fair. my project was color changing roses.

+  i am the worst gift wrapper.

+  puns, dad jokes, + sarcasm are my jam.

+  i always wait to pack until the last minute. like literally- the day of jackson's birth, i packed my hospital bag.

+  i used to silently judge people who used e-readers. and then i had a baby. now i'm a proud kindle owner.




Monday, August 6, 2018

the weekly: july 30th - august 5th.





  S N A P S H O T S  
-  this kid loves evening walks. i play worship music + walk around the neighborhood before his bedtime.
-  YOU GUYS. run to walmart right now and buy this cookie butter.  
-  we have received sweet little 'thinking of you' gifts from friends lately.
-  dessert from my mother-in-law.


  D A I L I E S  
-  MONDAY was my first day back to work. it was hard, but i did it.
-  i spent TUESDAY night painting over at the house.
-  i started reading "why i hate green beans" on WEDNESDAY.
-  jackson + i enjoyed a peaceful evening on THURSDAY with a walk + extra snacks.
-  i had a rough day at work on FRIDAY, but it ended well with strawberry shortcake.
-  SATURDAY was so glorious. i did housework + hung out with jackson all day.
-  we worked on the house for a couple hours on SUNDAY while jack napped.


  P R E V I O U S L Y  on  W I L D B L O O M  
+  i am considering another polaroid project for next year. here is the 2014 polaroid project.
+  i shared my bullet journal two years ago on the blog. i recently purchased an agendio planner. i'm SO excited!
+  i recently went back through every single blog post and updated old content + broken links and stumbled across this post. i'd like to post a recap of each week, but i'm also realistic and know it may not happen. but for now, i really enjoy this old way of blogging! i am so inspired after reading through all of my old posts. [and a little embarrassed at some things i wrote. haha!]

Thursday, August 2, 2018

little reminders.




i was listening to a podcast about miscarriage yesterday. i wasn't sure if i could make it through the episode without breaking down, but i figured all i had to do was hit stop if it became too much. a half hour later, i finished it having not shed one tear.

later in the day, i listed to another podcast about knowing when to have more children and when to stop. two of the ladies announced their pregnancies during the episode. when asked their due dates, one happily said february. and my heart sank.

my due date would have been february 24, 2019. 

little reminders of this loss + pain + grief have randomly caught me off guard and break my heart all over again - like walking by the third bedroom that was supposed to be the nursery next spring, or seeing my prenatal vitamins sitting on my desk at work, or finding the screenshot of the ultrasound picture of our sweet baby. it's getting easier, but i'm learning that i will always carry that loss with me.

i woke up an hour before my alarm was set to go off this morning. very rarely does this happen, but when it does, i know it's the Lord. i got out of bed, washed my face, and opened my bible app. after some searching, i landed on a devotional about miscarriage. the passage for day one is lamentations 3:19-24.

19 - the thought of my suffering and homelessness is bitter beyond words.
20 - i will never forget this time, as i grieve over my loss.
21 - yet i still dare to hope when i remember this:
22 - the faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease.
23 - Great is His faithfulness; His mercies begin afresh each morning. 
24 - i say to myself, "the Lord is my inheritance; therefore, i will hope in Him!" 

i have read verses 22-24 countless times, but never have i particularly noticed verses 19-21. the Lord showed me that my suffering, my grief, my loss - it's okay to feel it deeply. it's okay to mourn + cry + feel that pain. there will always be little reminders of my loss, but verse 21 is also a reminder that i can be hopeful in Him because He is faithful + merciful.



Tuesday, July 31, 2018

JULY 2018.




  H A P P E N I N G S 

-  i took my nieces + jackson to the new library downtown, and he LOVED it!

-  we didn't have childcare one day, so i took the day off with jackson. jared, jackson, myself, my sister-in-law, and her family went to the zoo that evening, and it was so fun watching how enamored jackson was with the animals.

-  we celebrated the fourth of july at the lake. we camped with family + spent the morning on my brother-in-law's boat.

-  i started watching white collar, and i can't stop.

we lost our sweet baby this month. i am doing okay. i'll be honest in saying that having jackson helps because if not, i'd just want to stay in bed a lot. but i find great comfort in the Lord. He has been tender with me during this whole thing.



  R E A L I Z A T I O N S 

-  if there's one thing i've learned in motherhood (which of course there's more than one; like 792 things), it's that i have to make time for the things i love. at the beginning of the year, i set out to read 12 books. i quickly realized how much i've missed reading over the past couple years, and i immersed myself in reading once jackson was in bed for the night. so far this year, i surpassed my goal and finished my 14th book!

-  taking a walk is therapeutic.  

-  mcdonald's cold brew frozen coffee is actually really, really good. especially at two in the morning when you're driving around with your husband, desperately trying to get your son to go back to sleep.

- WHY IS CHOOSING A PAINT COLOR SO DANG STRESSFUL?

-  i found five different journals with about ten pages of writing/lists/thoughts. i'm starting to wonder if i will ever be able to fill one journal in my lifetime.




Monday, July 30, 2018

the weekly.




  S N A P S H O T S  
-  these cuddles don't happen often. i think jack knew mama was sad.
-  jared + i ate dinner on the patio because the weather was actually decent.
-  ice cream + double chocolate muffins.
-  so much progress on our home renovation.


  D A I L I E S  
-  MONDAY was one of the hardest days of my life.
-  i spent most of TUESDAY in bed binging netflix, just wishing the day away.
-  WEDNESDAY was more relaxing + taking it easy.
-  i ventured out of the house on THURSDAY and cried a lot, but it was good for me.
-  my niece + i went shopping on FRIDAY.
-  my family came to visit on SATURDAY.
-  on SUNDAY, we started painting the house. we are getting close!


  L I N K S  
+  i found my old blog from years ago. if you want a good laugh, go read some of the posts.
+  my sister-in-law recently launched her product on amazon.
+  i've been pinning a lot recently. [renovating a home = stalking pinterest + joanna gaines]





Tuesday, July 24, 2018

grief.




there was no heartbeat.

it took us a couple seconds to process what our doctor had just said. not ten minutes before, i had showed jared the ultrasound pictures from my scan earlier that morning.

up until that horrific moment, i had no inclination or physical signs that anything was wrong with our baby. at nine weeks and one day, i knew we were close to being out of that danger zone. i didn't think twice when the ultrasound tech didn't listen for the heartbeat. with jackson, i heard his at seven weeks, but i was too wrapped up in seeing our unborn baby on the monitor. we did not plan to get pregnant so soon, but the shock of it all was finally starting to wear off.

i joked with the tech, "there's only one, right?" she indicated so, never letting on that our baby was actually already in heaven with Jesus.

we sat in the room with our doctor and cried for awhile. despite having received such tragic news, i was also trying to corral a restless one-year-old. i still had to be his mama in that moment. it was a juxtaposition of sorts.

the rest of the evening was a numb blur. waves of grief hit jared + i sporadically. like when i grabbed my phone out of my purse, glancing at the CD of sonogram pictures the ultrasound tech gave me that morning. how cruel, i thought to myself. but she couldn't legally say anything. or how the notification on my pregnancy app was cheerfully reminding me of some random information about the baby. i turned them off because it was yet another painful reminder.

i miscarried today. as i'm writing this. right now. and it's . . . words don't come as freely as the tears do currently.

the support we have received has been overwhelming. our people have loved us so fiercely in the past twenty-four hours. nothing makes this easier, but having others around to grieve with us helps.

in all this, i am not mad at God. i don't blame Him. because what i know to be true about Him is this: He is still good. He is right here with us in this process of healing + moving ahead. He will make something beautiful from the ashes, even if i don't see it this side of heaven.


Monday, July 2, 2018

jackson's first birthday party.










we celebrated jackson's first year over the weekend! since our home is being renovated, we hosted the party at moxie junction in maize. it's a coffee shop, which may sound strange for a one year old's birthday party, but here's my thinking: jackson didn't have any idea what was going on or where he was, so why not make it fun for those of us who are there? a coffee shop sounded like the perfect spot. everyone got free coffee + chatted thoughout the party, so it was a genius plan.

the party was wonderful, but no one told me how stressed i would be trying to get everything ready and entertaining everyone and how i would only be able to finally breathe + relax when i got home later that evening. haha! but it was still a great party with family + a few close friends.


JUNE TWENTY-EIGHTEEN.





▹  reading:  i finished the perfect mother a couple days ago. i give it a solid four stars.    

▹  watching:  season two of riverdale. judge me allll you want. i've already judged myself.

▹  listening:  what should i read next?  |  the popcast  |  in the dark     

▹  drinking: coffee + water. always + forever.

▹  planning:  our home renovation.  

▹  craving:  a chocolate milkshake.

▹  learning:  that social media can be loud + i don't have to be part of it just because everyone else is.

  enjoying:  evening walks. i'd rather not be sweating profusely, but i'll take it over winter any day.

▹  thinking:  about how crazy this season of our lives are. we are thankful in the middle of the chaos. 

▹  making me happy:  the joy of dogs when they're riding in a car with their heads hanging out of the window. pausing to marvel a stunning sunset. night swimming under the stars. black nail polish. baby giggles. ending the day with a good book. wildflowers.



JUNE RECAP



LESSONS:

-  motherhood is a big realization of all the things my parents did for me when i was a kid.

-  without fail- all the books i put on hold at the library come in at the same time. every. single. time.

this episode of annie f. downs' podcast changed me. it is so, so good.

-  i really wanted to quit jackson's monthly pictures at one point, but i'm really happy i stuck with it. 


 
HAPPENINGS:

-  we sold our house in park city.

camped in oklahoma for a few days to celebrate jared's birthday.

-  the renovation of our new (to us) home began. 

-  watched the hans solo movie. [3 stars]

-  my niece started a new blog! we are living with her + her family, so it's fun to talk about our blogs.

-  celebrated jackson's first birthday!




 

Friday, June 29, 2018

JACKSON TIMOTHY - YEAR ONE.




my sweet boy. giggly. already opinionated. curious. silly. always dancing to music. gives hugs. says mama, dada, nana, baba, hi, and isus (Jesus). you have filled our lives with joy + laughter since you made your entrance into this world on this day, one year ago.

it hasn't always been easy, but that season- it is a one of redemption + grace + Jesus. this journey is a testament to a God who knows + sees His children.

jackson is so loved by our people. i have been brought to tears several times when i think about how many people love our son. their faces light up at his smile. they scoop him into hugs + kisses + giggles.

happy birthday, jack-jack! you are immensely loved. 





Wednesday, June 13, 2018

life lately.



jared + i joked recently that there can never just be one thing going on in our lives at one time - only a minimum of twelve.

we listed our home on the market last month and received an offer less than 24 hours later. this time around, there was no stress because we knew this was a seller's market - big time. we officially closed on the house last week and celebrated with mexican food, obviously.

the home that we are buying will be available as early as next weekend! before we move in, there are three key renovations that must happen - new sheet rock throughout the entire home, new flooring, and re-configuring a couple rooms. i am super excited to start this process even though i know the stress it can bring. it's almost as though we have felt a little restless the past three years when it comes to making a house a home. we are ready to put some roots down + live close to family + be back in the city. (our previous house was only ten-fifteen minutes from everything, but it felt so much further).

i don't regret our park city home though. i look back at those months fondly, knowing that it was filled with redemption + grace + growth following jackson's birth. God's tenderness + kindness toward me in those months - especially at night when i was home alone with a newborn - are imprinted on my heart forever.

i've been very open about my struggles with my failed birth plan. as we approach jackson's first birthday (which i am in denial about hardcore), i can openly say that while it is easier to see birth stories online and not burst into tears, i still carry a bit of pain in my heart. i've debated whether or not to write about it because i don't want jackson to read it one day, and think that i regret anything about him specifically. it has nothing to do with him and everything to do with me - my attitude, the poison of comparison that plagued me for months, and putting God aside.

i don't think God "punished" me for trying to live life my way and will my plans into existence, but i firmly believe that he took the broken pieces and made it beautiful. dare i say - there's a smaaaaaalllll part of me that is thankful. i wonder if my birth plan had gone my way - what would my pride look like? would i wear "natural birth" like a badge of honor, snubbing my nose at mamas who didn't do the same? this experience humbled me immensely while increasing my empathy for all mamas. (even for the kardashians.) Lord knows ain't no hood like motherhood.

wow, i suppose i had a lot to say! and to think i was considering deleting wildbloom last week. i actually considered deleting everything online last week, but that notion has passed. i love social media as much as i hate it. i'm trying to be intentional about all of it. right now, it looks like less scrolling. taking more photos, but not feeling the need to share every single frame. not sharing just to share because i haven't posted in a while. following people who have something to say instead of something to sell. unfollowing the noise.

well, that's life lately - aka - blissful chaos.

Wednesday, May 16, 2018

CURRENTLY | MAY 2018




▹  reading:  red queen  +  anything & everything from jess connolly    

▹  watching:  i haven't been able to watch much tv lately. life is really full at the moment.

▹  listening:  the popcast  +  criminal  +  bethel's new music  

▹  drinking:  so. much. water.  +  the violet drink from starbucks.

▹  planning:  jackson's first birthday party. it's at a coffee shop!

▹  anticipating:  selling our home. it's been a wild ride, y'all.

▹  craving:  sushi, always + forever.

▹  learning:  that social media is great, but i have been cutting back so much lately.

  enjoying:  evening walks with jackson.   

▹  thinking:  how motherhood has changed me for the better in so many ways.

▹  making me happy: thunderstorms. happy dogs sticking their heads out car windows. coconut milk. watching jackson take his first steps! pastel sunsets. fresh strawberries + coconut whip. cake. finding my favorite sock that was missing for months. listening to worship music on my evening walks.