Sunday, October 13, 2019

trader joe's + a quiet week




-  trader joe's opened this week! i didn't plan to go until my day off on monday, but i couldn't resist driving through the parking lot after work. just as i had decided it wasn't worth it, a spot near the entrance opened up. IT WAS MEANT TO BE. it was also insanely crowded, but totally worth it!

-  i started reading the second veronica mars book.

-  the weather cooled down a lot this week, and it was so nice! fall has finally arrived. (just in time for our heater to go out, but such if the life of a home owner.)

-  i binged the blacklist this week, and now i'm looking for something new to watch.

i don't really have many musings this week. i had a semi-stressful week at work. most of the evenings were spent just hanging out at home. (except for thursday night when we went to menard's + target. we got jackson a "babyccino" and he thought it was the coolest thing. i loved our family target coffee date!) so yeah- not much to really write about. some weeks are, well... "uneventful" doesn't seem like the right word. each week - each day - has its good. i am trying to be more mindful of those moments. i feel a shift happening. i can't quite explain it, but it's a good thing. ok, i'm rambling. byeeee.

Sunday, October 6, 2019

socks with sandals + the coming of fall




-  well kansas finally feels like fall! we had our first fire of the season with our neighbors + it as glorious.

-  i'm seriously considering buying an instant pot.

-  there is a new hunger games book (prequel) coming out. i will read it for sure because i loved the trilogy. i read those books right as they were becoming popular, and it brings back some nostalgia. i remember going to the first three movies by myself, which i did a lot before i met jared.

-  i surprised jackson with new dinosaur socks. the next morning, i asked him to put his shoes on. it was chilly outside (finally!) so i meant actual shoes. he walked in to show me he put his dinosaur socks on with sandals. i laughed about it all day.

-  i bought a book of crossword puzzles this week. for fun. ya know, as one does.

-  31 signs you were an early 2000s VSCO girl.  //  i relate to 95% of these.

-  i kinda went on a mini twitter rant about motherhood.

-  the reverie transformed into luke's diner three years ago this week. what a magical morning that was.

-  we ventured over to a little area near our house to show jackson what fishing is. he liked when jared caught the fish - he waved + said hi to each one - but he did not want to be close to them. we had fun watching daddy fish, and then we took a walk. it was a random, last-minute plan, but those are always the best kind.



Sunday, September 29, 2019

branson + crackle nail polish + abandoned leftovers




-  whenever i ask for a leftover box at a restaurant, i always, always, ALWAYS forget it on the table! i did it again today, and i don't understand why i do this, but gahhhhh. i'm hopeless. (jared has learned to look at the table after i walk away. he saved the day - and my pasta.)

-  hilarie burton is out here makin' me alllllll emotional with her OTH tweet. i love that tv shows/movies/book/music can bring the strongest nostalgic feelings from specific times in our lives. i watched OTH during my early twenties, and i remember watching it while i would blog (when blogging was at its peak - before it was all about numbers + ads + selling crap) or after a breakup or just whenever. that intro song hits me riiiiiiight in my feels.

-  we took friday off and headed to branson for the weekend. it was my first time there, and i had a lot of fun! we spent saturday at silver dollar city as well. at the last minute - literally 30 minutes - we decided to take jackson with us. i can't really explain why. i just knew he would have a lot of fun, even if he won't remember it. (i was right. that kid was so happy, except for a couple of gnarly meltdowns.)

-  this article about random 2010s fads made me laugh, especially the 'crackle nail polish'. i found this old photo on my IG from 2012. man- what a trip to look back at my old photos.

-  i found a transformer in branson, so naturally i had to vacay pose with him.

-  jackson slept in our bed during the trip. i was not sure how it would work because i typically never sleep well when he sleeps with us, but it was fine. (i did wake up to find that i had somehow stolen his blanket during the night. i felt so bad and quickly covered him up. LOL. this brings me to my next musing-

-  jared + i do not share a big comforter/duvet when we sleep. i have my own blanket(s) + he has his. i am not sure if other couples are able to sleep under the same covers, but we cannot.

-  i retired #notpolethursdays this week on instagram. it was fun for a season. i had a random idea last week for a different poll series. i'm still working on a name, but it will mostly be polls about different things that give us all the feels. like last week, i asked everyone their opinions on the new 'saved by the bell' re-make. (me? no zach morris = no bueno.)


Sunday, September 22, 2019

bullet journaling + a train ride + thrifting




-  i finished recursion and DANG. best book of 2019!

-  i was so stressed at work earlier this week. i felt like my heart was going to beat out of my chest, and i was short of breath. i was letting the stress eat away at me so much that my body was reacting. i sat back + realized what was happening. (i'm not really one to get stressed a lot, by the way) and i saw it for what it was - the enemy was trying to steal my joy. he's been doing it for so long, in the most subtle of ways. it's something i realized recently and have been praying about a lot. john 10:10 says he wants to kill + destroy me. his tactics aren't sword-like weapons, but whispers here + there. i have to hold it up to Scripture + remember the Truth.

-  i started a new bullet journal this week. [see previous bu-jo here] this is the journal i'm using because moleskine just does it right when it comes to quality.

-  i always forget that i have a FB page for this blog. here is the link if you're interested.

-  trader joe's opens in three weeks, and I AM SO EXCITED.

-  my e-book library hold came in for the first veronica mars book. i like it so far.

-  i will be making this PB pumpkin bread soon!

-  on saturday evening, we ventured down to watson park for a pre-dinner stroll. jackson had so much fun, although the train scared him a lot. the next morning, he woke up and all he could talk about was riding the train. so we went back to the park after church, and he had a blast! he was brave + it made my heart happy.

-  we also went to open streets ICT for a little bit. next time, we know to start further down douglas where more of the food trucks are.

-  i don't talk about oils very much anymore. mostly because people don't really want to hear about it. i started using oils a year ago, and while i looooove the oils themselves, the "business" side has me more like mehhhh. i tried to sell them, but it's so oversaturated that it didn't seem realistic. (there were other things that turned me off as well). i just ordered more oils this week (my OG, lavender + new-to-me, northern lights black spruce) and my mom ordered a started kit. so i'm at the point where i just wanna keep it fun.

-  i really want to try thrifting. i know some people who are so skilled at this. i need someone to teach me their ways.


Sunday, September 15, 2019

mary berry + butter beer cake




-  the week back to work after vacation is roooooooough. mostly the first two days.

-  i started reading recursion by blake crouch, and OMG. this book! it's gooooood.

-  when the weather decides to not be a blazing inferno, i am going to make this harry potter pumpkin juice!

-  the duchess + mary berry are the duo we never knew we needed!

-  speaking of the royals- i follow elizabeth holmes on instagram because her posts about their fashion just makes me so happy. i'm not particularly obsessed with the royal family, but i enjoy her take on a lot of their happenings.

-  i recently started following phylicia masonheimer on IG. she has challenged me + encouraged me in my faith. mostly in the area of scripture + knowing what i believe, but also exposing myself to other viewpoints so that i can defend/discuss my side effectively. i really resonated with this post she wrote on IG this week.

-  why do all of my holds for library e-books come in all at once every. single. time?!

-  milkfloat has a butter beer cake that is LEGIT.

-  i drive by this place every morning and never knew what it was. when i saw there were a bajillion sunflowers, i knew we had to go on an adventure. so on friday night, we loaded in the car with my sister-in-law + nephew and went exploring. turns out, it's a wetlands park!

-  i was reading a post on IG where a woman was listing things about herself, and she mentioned that she's a "full-time mom". i'm sorry. are there part-time moms out there? how does one become demoted? i so wish we could change the language + stigmas + comparisons around motherhood. our moms may have dealt with this on some level, but for us- social media makes mothering so dang hard sometimes. everyone is trying to prove how great of a mother they are, and it's exhausting.

-  lest you think that i have all of my life together, i just ordered jackson's birth certificate this week. he's two. oops.

Sunday, September 8, 2019

doc martens + you've got mail




-  jared + i were on vacation this week. it was nice + relaxing. we never slept in, but we made some money from a garage sale + bought a new table + chairs for our dining room + took lots of naps. it was seriously the best to spend all week with my boys.

-  we drove down to my parents' house on monday to pick up jackson. i found my doc martens from twenty years ago. two decades. i remember driving to tulsa with my mom to buy them. she always did things like that when i was growing up. i wanted something, and she made it happen. mom, i know you're reading this. thank you. you are seriously the best.

-  yet again, i think i've mis-typed my enneagram number.

-  i watched you've got mail  for the first time ever this week. it was . . . good. i think i watched it too late to really appreciate the awesomeness of 90s chick flicks. i did  like it though.

-  my parents celebrated 38 years of marriage this week.

-  we had a date night on thursday + tried a local mediterranean restaurant. it was delish!

-  jared's 'instagram husband' skills are improving. [here is proof.]

-  i tried this dark chocolate bar from dillon's (kroger) this week, and now i'm obsessed with all things toffee.


Sunday, September 1, 2019

my beeday + veronica mars + myspace




-  i made these banana cookies this week, and they were legit.

-  our internet froze one night, and the tv stopped working. jackson said, "what happened?" and it made us laugh because he is learning + talking so much more as the days progress.

-  jackson is staying with my parents this weekend. jared + i woke up at 7am on sunday, so that means we are officially old. but we've had good rest these couple days.

-  speaking of getting older, i turned thirty-three this weekend. every single plan we tried to make failed. we had originally wanted to go on a tropical vacay, but then a big house repair happened. (our plans would have been thwarted by the hurricane, so it's for the best that it didn't pan out.) then we decided colorado would be out next best option, and another house repair took that trip out of the picture. we finally settled on OKC, and then jared came down with a gnarly case of poison ivy. so we cancelled everything, and jackson went to my parents' house. it was a super low-key birthday, but that's fine by me.

-  ugly halloween sweaters are a thing, and i am here for it.

-  i finally binged all seasons of veronica mars + the movie + the season on hulu. and THEN i found out that there were also two books written by the creators of v-mars, so now i have both of them on hold at the library for my kindle.

-  jared + i were talking about myspace the other day. i kinda miss it. i was always tweaking my profile + changing the song to match my mood + taking surveys.

Saturday, August 31, 2019

thirty two things in year thirty two.




1.  no matter what tomorrow brings, whether heartache or happiness, Jesus is still better.

2.  i took lots of photos of flowers. no one is surprised by this. not in the least.

3.  we lost our second + third babies via miscarriage.

4.  one of my favorite memories from this year will be us going into applebee's to eat dinner and realizing we were in wrong restaurant AFTER we got our menus. still so dang funny.

5.  i learned that motherhood is hard, but hard doesn't mean something is wrong; it's just hard.

6.  my faith was rocked. (see #3). there are questions i never thought i would ask God. but healing is happening. i have been a believer for over a decade, but when i had my third miscarriage, everything i thought knew came into question. i never once questioned if He is real or anything along those lines. but i had an awakening. despite the incredibly difficult circumstances, there has been good come from it.

7.  when i'm having a crappy day (or even a great one) - i make a list of what i'm grateful for. whether it's big or small, naming the good forces me to look outside of my circumstances and if i'm being honest, away from my self-centeredness.

8.  i left my job at the accounting office. i never, ever thought it would happen. after some unfortunate happenings, i knew i wouldn't be there long term. then a position opened up at a local credit union, and i knew it was time to move on. i have really enjoyed my new job. great people, great company.

9.  our childcare changed a couple times this year, and i was always so worried how it was all going to work out. but God answered every single time, usually before i had a chance to ask.

10.  i learned to check the weather before driving to oklahoma. i got caught in a severe thunderstorm for three hours, and it was terrifying.

11.  i was featured on wichita life ICT.

12.  i learned that it's okay to not finish a book. and it's okay to only read books that i want to read, but just what's popular on bookstagram.

13.  jared + i celebrated four years of marriage.

14.  after jared's grandma died, we heard story after story of how she loved spending time with everyone. it made us all realize that family get-togethers matter to someone.

15.  i got to pet a penguin, and it was one of the highlights of my year for sure!

16.  i fell in love with cooking + baking. i'm definitely not a pro, but i enjoy finding new recipes.

17.  jared + i sometimes have "couch dates" where he plays video games + i read a book/blog/etc. this may not sound like much of a date, but we actually still have meaningful conversations. (we are having a couch date at i type this blog post!)

18.  we bought our home - officially! it has been fun (most of the time) making this space ours.

19.  veronica mars officially became my favorite tv show ever.

20.  i received my first summons for jury duty, but ended up not having to serve.

21.  we celebrated jackson's second birthday.

22.  lot of time was spent on the pergola that jared built.

23.  i learned that just because people are loud about stuff on social media doesn't mean that they are the majority. loud sometimes means you're just loud. that's it.

24.  after years of talking about it, i finally launched wichita collective on instagram. it has been so fun to connect with others in our community + support local businesses.

25.  communication is key, in any relationship - marriage, work, friendship, etc.

26.  essential oils are cool. i like using them. but that's as far as it goes for me.

27.  experienced some firsts:  gave jackson his first haircut. visited my first food truck + trader joe's.

28.  i love podcasts so much. i almost want to start one of my own. but i won't. but i wanna.

29.  i have successfully kept plants alive all year.

30.  it's okay to grieve. it's also okay to grieve while doing things i love. healing comes in many forms.

31.  learned/learning - "He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together." [colossians 1:17]

32.  Jesus is where the joy is.


Sunday, August 25, 2019

weekly musings // 01




-  i keep tossing around the idea of documenting each week on the blog. but then life gets in the way, and it doesn't happen. this is my attempt to at least try. yesterday i thought about making this space private, but i'm still not sure. it's not like i'm an influencer, guys. i also thought about switching to squarespace, but those are all lofty goals that i'm not sure will pan out very well.

-  we went out to dinner friday night to applebee's. as we walked into the restaurant, we were surprised at all the renovations they had done. when we sat down, we realized there were no renovations; we just weren't actually in applebee's! how we didn't realize it until we sat down continues to baffle us to laughter. we ended up staying, and it turned out to be a fun family date night.

-  we then went to a store called "at home". as i walked in, memories flooded me like crashing waves. i was overcome with tears because this store reminded me of one i used to shop at with my mom + g-ma called "garden ridge". we would frequent that store on our girls' shopping trips, and it was the sweetest reminder of those days.

-  i purchased a give me Jesus journal this week. i have wanted one for years. the last year of my life has been one of the hardest seasons i've walked through. as i was reading scripture (for the first time in a long while, admittedly), i came across isaiah 58:11. it speaks of a satisfied desire in scorched places, and my life - after three miscarriages in nine months - is a scorched place. but i know the Lord has been with me through it all, and in the afterglow of the embers, i see Him rebuilding my faith in a beautiful way.

-  i have been binging veronica mars, and it is officially my new favorite tv show.

-  i am working on a little fall to-do list this week. nothing extravagant. mostly things we would be doing regardless if i made a fancy list or not. taking jackson to the pumpkin patch is one of my favorite little adventures to do. i hope he loves it, but i also have very low expectations when it comes to his excitement level on everything. he's a kid, after all. he thinks walking around target instead of sitting in the cart is like being at disneyland.

-

Sunday, August 11, 2019

life lately.




it's been a minute since i've posted on this little corner of the internets. sitting down to write a blog post is basically not an option in this season of life. i mean- i suppose if i reeeeally wanted to blog, i could. but honestly, having an active toddler doesn't allow that. also- i'm binging veronica mars right now, so the free time i have after jackson goes to bed is solely dedicated to a tv show that brings me so much joy. (the clothes, the sass, all of it!)

jackson turned two a couple of months ago. that kid. he is all boy. he jumps on everything, loves trucks + dinosaurs, and would stay outside all day if he could.

i've had a stack of outgrown baby clothes sitting on a chair for months. every time i go through them, i get so emotional. i started going through everything in our home (for sanity reasons + for garage sale reasons). i sat on the floor and cried as i sorted the baby clothes because i honestly don't know if i should even keep them. what's the point? i don't know if we can actually have another baby, but jared has a lot more hope than i do, so he makes me keep it all. i agree, for now.

this month marks one year of finishing the renovation + moving into our home. i truly love it here. we have worked on so many projects in the last few months. once fall comes, we will start working on the landscaping. you know i will be planting all the blooms!

i sat down to write this post thinking i had a lot to say. but i guess i don't now that i'm here. i want to write a post of my favorite podcast episodes and one for my favorite links around the internet and one about my current favorites, so maybe i should go write one of those. i also have been throwing around the idea of starting up my weekly musings posts again. i liked those because it forced me to be very intentional about documenting my daily life. i can go days without doing anything creative, and that's no bueno. maybe it could be a 2020 goal.

2020 is basically tomorrow, right? once september get here, it's going to flyyyyyyyy. but i'm ready for fall.

ok- that's all i have to say for now. i can hear jackson causing chaos in the other room. story of my life!

Sunday, June 2, 2019

THE WEEKLY: may 27th - june 2nd





  S N A P S H O T S  

-  this kid loves being outside
-  my favorite coffee shop + my favorite flowers
-  pastel skies
-  flowers to plant from our neighbor


   M O M E N T S  +  H A P P E N I N G S   

i haven't blogged lately because life has been full. not busy. i don't like that term. but full, yes. lots of evenings spent outside on our pergola. (except for the week it rained forrrrrever.) work has been crazy and will stay that way for another month or so. jackson is growing + learning + talking.

summer is here, and i'm happy. the last two summers were BANANAS. we had a newborn in 2017 and last summer was completely dedicated to our home renovation. now we are settled and jackson is almost two. that saying - the days are long, but the years are short - is so true.

several people have asked how i am lately after the miscarriage in april. i can honestly say that i am good. i am so, so grateful for everyone who has lifted me up to the feet of Jesus. i felt your prayers when i was at my lowest. He is good. i know this to be true. i don't know what the future holds, but i know that He is where true joy is. He is why i wake up every day and live.

jared celebrated his birthday on saturday. we went out to dinner and shopped afterward. it was a low-key day, but still nice.

i have been reading a lot lately. i finished station eleven + really enjoyed it! i am now reading educated, and wow, what an insane story.



   L E S S O N S  +  R E A L I Z A T I O N S   

-  i started planning jackson's second birthday this week. if i think about it too much, i tear up. that little boy brings so much laughter + joy to our lives. he is a typical toddler, but oh mylanta, he is the sweetest.

-  the only good thing about winter is that there are no mosquitos.

-  it's time for a hair change. i'm totally set on cutting it short-ish, but i'm not sure about the color yet.


Sunday, May 5, 2019

THE WEEKLY: april 29th - may 5th.





  S N A P S H O T S  

-  celebratory latte
-  current read
-  bubbles
-  storming


   M O M E N T S  +  H A P P E N I N G S   

- we officially closed on our home! last summer, we renovated 95% of this house. it was a huge project, but so worth every bit of blood, sweat, & tears.

-  i accepted a new position at work. i'm still in the accounting department, but my job duties have changed.

-  my family came up from oklahoma for a quick visit on saturday. jackson loves his nana!

- finally started reading station eleven. i was on the wait list at the library for months.



   L E S S O N S  +  R E A L I Z A T I O N S   

-   i have a tendency to hold people at arm's length for fear that they will find out that i'm not perfect. it's almost laughable to me as i read those words, but after a lengthy conversation with jared, it all makes sense. since my last miscarriage, i have had a major awakening- in my self-awareness, my marriage, my outlook, my mothering, basically my whole life. it's wild + humbling + overwhelming.

Friday, May 3, 2019

friday links.




zee elephant in the room. //  i cried at my desk after reading this article.

+  my friend, hannah, has a blog + girlfriend has so much wisdom.

+  if the books of the bible were GIFs.  //  this twitter thread is everything.

+  i make these protein balls legit twice a week. they are rullll good. eating one (four) as i type this post.

+  when satan steals your motherhood.  //  this article also made me cry at my desk.

+  i'm in a major book rut. i think book two of the inspector gamache series is up next for me.


Sunday, April 28, 2019

THE WEEKLY: april 22nd - april 28th





  S N A P S H O T S  

-  my love
-  avengerssssss
-  morning light
-  peace


   M O M E N T S  +  H A P P E N I N G S   

i took monday off work because i needed one more day to recover. i mostly spent the day watching NCIS, but it was much needed. i went back to work on tuesday, and it was hard, but i did it.

we have been spending the majority of our evenings outside. jackson runs around + we sit on the swing. it's delightful.

on friday, we went to the lake to see jared's parents. jackson was not interested in fishing, but he liked throwing rocks.

we watched the new avengers movie, and all i have to say is OH, MYLANTA.



   L E S S O N S  +  R E A L I Z A T I O N S   

-  i realized that some of the anger i had at God was actually disappointment. my due date would have been my grandma gracie's birthday. there was this wonderful story that led up to this pregnancy, and i just thought it would be this big redemption story that i could share as a testimony. and then it wasn't. and i was so disappointed.

-  internet friends are so wonderful.

-  it's okay to grieve. and it's also okay to do the things i love (blogging, reading, etc) while grieving.

-  "He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together." [colossians 1:17]




He is where the joy is.




it has been a week since we lost out third baby via miscarriage.

i was mentally/physically/spiritually at one of the lowest points of my life. i shut everyone out except jared + my mom. people told me they were praying for me, and i secretly wanted to tell them that it didn't matter. the grief i felt was so heavy. i didn't want to leave the house ever again.

but i did. i went back to work on tuesday. i had a lot of anxiety about it, but i did okay. a co-worker fumbled through a "sorry for your loss" and finally stopped and said, "i don't honestly know what to say." neither do i, really. throughout this entire loss, (all three really, but the most recent even more so) the most comforting words are ones that don't try to explain it away. no compartmentalizing or giving a quippy answer like "there is a reason for everything" or some christianize statement to gloss over the pain.

on friday, we went to the lake for a few hours to see jared's parents + introduce jackson to fishing. (spoiler alert: he was only interested in throwing rocks into the water.) on the drive out there, we talked about my day, and jared commented on how i seemed a little more like myself. i agreed. in the first few days after our loss, i was so despondent that i wondered if i would ever move on from the immense grief + pain that seemed to infect every cell of my body.

while i haven't "moved on" - i have made an effort to still live my life. this looks like treating myself to sheet masks from target, reading my bible, going outside to soak in the sun, listening to t-swift's song too many times, and putting my phone down to soak in the little bits of beauty around me.

so many people have reached out, and i am overwhelmingly grateful. to those who have lifted me up to the feet of Jesus, thank you. He is where the joy is, even in the pain + grief.

Tuesday, April 23, 2019

poster child.




i never wanted to be the poster child for miscarriage, but here i am.

last thursday, i went in for an ultrasound. i was 10 weeks pregnant. a few days before, i just knew something had happened. the nausea + exhaustion were basically gone overnight. as the ultrasound tech started, my fears were confirmed. she did the measurements, and then mumbled something i can't remember. i kinda wanted to punch her in the face and tell her i wasn't an idiot. i knew there was no heartbeat. five minutes later, a PA came in to deliver the news. i cut her off as she started. "i already know." she apologized and asked if it was my first. i shook my head and whispered, "my third."

i shared about my first miscarriage last summer. i was 9 weeks along. i never publicly shared about the second one - five days into 2019, i miscarried at 5 weeks. it was hard, but i felt so much comfort from the Lord. i think there was a part of me that didn't believe it would happen again. like i had met my quota or something.

and yet- here i am again. my third miscarriage in nine months.

this time, i feel numb. the Lord feels distant, mostly of my own doing. i screamed at Him in my car on thursday morning, and i haven't said much to Him since. i tried praying this morning, but an hour later, the grief and questions took over again. between the distance and my anger, i wonder if He is even there. how could a God who is Love give me three dead babies? where is the love in that?

i haven't really left the house much the last several days. i don't need sad eyes looking my way. i don't need people asking me how i am. i don't need speculations or opinions on what i should do next or what so-and-so did. i don't need comfort or hugs or good vibes. there was a very low point where i didn't want any prayers, which means i desperately need them. i haven't turned my back on God, and i haven't forgotten all He has done for me. i'm just so numb. angry. broken.

miscarriage makes people uncomfortable. no one knows what to say and rightly so. the absolute best thing that a few people have told me is this: there are no words that i can say to make this better. the fact that they didn't try to explain it away or sugarcoat it with quippy phrases gave me the tiniest bit of solace.

-----------

this may be the rawest thing i've ever written in my eight years of blogging. i didn't edit anything. i thought maybe writing it out would be therapeutic in some way. i never actually intended to share this with the world, but as i searched the internet for other stories, i kept coming across info posts about miscarriage, but not actual stories from real women. i didn't need another article detailing the step-by-step process because- hello, i'm already living it. i just wanted to know that maybe someone out there felt the same emptiness that i did.

but in posting this for the world to read, my hope is that when another woman has just been given devastating news of a miscarriage, she will come across my words and know that she's not alone.

miscarriage is a lonely experience. unless you've actually experienced it, you will never truly know that painful emotional + physical toll it takes on a woman. no one wants to be a statistic. i will never understand why it happened on this side of heaven. but i'm trying to take it day by day, moment by moment.


Sunday, March 24, 2019

THE WEEKLY: march 18th - 24th





  S N A P S H O T S  

-  pretty kansas sky
-  i love that kid
-  beep, beep
-  odd yet beautiful plant in our backyard


   M O M E N T S  +  H A P P E N I N G S   

jared started a new project on the house. it's the first major one since we moved in last august after the remodel over the summer. he started off with a plan to put new composite over the existing deck, but quickly discovered he'd have to re-frame the entire thing. [isn't that what happens with all house projects? starts out simple, ends up a nightmare?] he finished it saturday night, and it looks awesome. he still has a lot of work to do to get it ready for our summer parties, but this is a great start.

jackson + i have started a little routine before bed of reading books. it's mostly him turning the pages before i'm finished reading and pointing out the objects he knows, but i'll take it! he curls up next to me, and it makes my heart burst.

the weather was delightful this week, and we welcomed the first official day of spring.


   L E S S O N S  +  R E A L I Z A T I O N S   

-  it baffles me that jackson will be turning two in just a few months. i'm not ready to talk about it.

-  the Word of God never returns void, even after reading it over and over again for the past decade. i love scripture. this isn't a realization, but more of a reiteration.

-  i miss the way blogging used to be. i miss when instagram was a place to share art. those things can be what we make it, but i still miss what it was before giveaways/ads/numbers became a thing.

Sunday, March 17, 2019

THE WEEKLY: march 11th - march 17th





  S N A P S H O T S  

-  saturday mornings are my favorite.
-  evening playtime in the backyard.
-  this boy loves books.
-  spring is coming, y'all.


   M O M E N T S  +  H A P P E N I N G S   

we have been fighting some sort of sickness for almost two weeks. once a sickly one gets better, someone else gets it or another virus. i know this is normal, especially with a toddler, but i'm over it.

it was still light when i got home on monday evening, and the weather wasn't freezing cold, so we started a fire + played outside with jackson for a good chunk of the evening. spring is coming, and my heart could burst from excitement!

i have been using the ibotta app to get a little cash back. it is kind of a slow process, and they don't offer it for online/pick-up orders yet, but so far, i've racked up $5. here is a referral code. (i get money from this, but hey - you do as well!)

i finished my first judy blume book. most people probably read these as kids, but i did not. it was cute. [also on the topic of books, i started ellie kemper's new book, and DNF'd it. i can count on one hand the number of books i haven't finished because it kills me to do so. but maybe this just isn't the time for me to read that book. i truly believe that books can find us at just the right time.]

i had an unexpected day off in the middle of the week. even though it was due to sickness, it was much needed for me to rest + recharge.

jackson had his first major fall this weekend. he was trying to walk down the step, and tripped. he fell face first onto the concrete. he has a huuuuge booboo. it's sad, but he asked for snacks five minutes later, so i think he will be okay. :)

the iced cloud caramel macchiato from starbucks is LEGIT, you guys.



   L E S S O N S  +  R E A L I Z A T I O N S   

-  this is a major unpopular opinion (and one that would've made me cringe + roll my eyes had i heard this a few years ago), but i prefer my kindle to physical books. it's 100% because of this season in my life. i can really only read before bed, and i don't want to keep jared awake with a light. there are also times i can read while jackson is playing, and having a kindle is so much easier in those instances.

-  do the evenings seem to fly by for anyone else now that we have extra daylight?

-  the baby we lost last summer would have been born earlier this month. i will always carry that loss with me, but i find comfort in knowing that when he/she opened their eyes, the first face they saw was Jesus. i wouldn't say it has gotten easier - it's always there - but i have a peace about it. there's a lot more to this story that i will share some day. for now, about the only thing i can do is give it to the Lord, knowing that He is the true source of comfort.


Sunday, March 10, 2019

THE WEEKLY: march 4th - march 10th





  S N A P S H O T S  

-  hopefully the last of winter
-  the reverie at sunset
-  signs of spring
-  saturday evening drive


   M O M E N T S  +  H A P P E N I N G S   

i had a cold this week, but thankfully it wasn't too bad. even more thankful that jackson didn't catch it.

i have made three batches of these peanut butter bites in the last week.

on friday night, i went with my MIL to a women's night at our church. it was fun, and i'm glad i went.

my family came to wichita on saturday, and it was exactly what i needed. my mama + i went shopping with jackson while the boys went to the hardware store, and it was like old times with her. i miss those days, and it's so special to have those moments with when we can, especially with jackson as our little helper.

we changed time on sunday, and even though i felt the effects, i'm not complaining because WE GET MORE DAYLIGHT! bring on spring and warmer weather and all the blooms!

i started reading a judy blume book because i never read them as a kid. so far, it's cute for what it is.


   L E S S O N S  +  R E A L I Z A T I O N S   

-  being connected to a local church is crucial. the church is getting a lot of hate these days, but that doesn't mean we turn our back on it. gathering with other believers to worship and hear the Word will always be good for my soul and my life.

- this was the third weekend in a row that jared + i ate at fuzzy's. i'm not mad about it.


Sunday, March 3, 2019

THE WEEKLY: feb 25th - march 3rd.






  S N A P S H O T S  

-  the best vanilla latte ever
-  snowy weather outside the window
-  silly boy
-  another photo of my favorite coffee shop


   M O M E N T S  +  H A P P E N I N G S     

i started + finished reading "he said/she said". it had me hooked in the first few pages, but i'm really conflicted about the ending. around the 75% mark, i was thinking that the book was about to wrap up. then a big, unexpected twist happened, and it changed the trajectory of the entire book. i realize that's why it's called a twist, and it's just fiction, but still. i finished the last page and just stared at the ceiling for a while.

we went to dinner with friends on saturday night. afterward we hung out at my favorite coffee shop and talked while jackson made so much noise that i just knew some of the other patrons were silently judging us for bringing a toddler into a coffee shop.

it's said that march comes in like a lion and out like a lamb. we woke up on sunday to three inches of snow (and drifts up to my knees). i'm over winter. i'm starting to wonder if spring will ever happen. (it will, i know. don't tell me to enjoy the present, janet.)


   L E S S O N S  +  R E A L I Z A T I O N S    

-  when jackson was teeny tiny, i was so afraid that he'd cry when i was in public that i rarely went out with him. this weekend, there were a couple times when he was rather loud (read: screaming) and i calmed him without embarrassment. there was apparently a table next to us with some women who (jared said) gave some glares, and it didn't bother me. kids are kids. if someone doesn't understand that, oh well. i'm not going to let jackson run around like a maniac, but i'm not going to run away because some people snub their nose. (confession: i probably snubbed my nose over the years before i had jackson. it is what it is.)

-  i have been singing the wrong lyrics (yet again!) to a song for over two decades. instead of singing "how bizarre?" - i've been singing "how was i?" and i have laughed at myself for days because that sounds like something i'd do.

Sunday, February 24, 2019

THE WEEKLY: feb 18th - feb 24th.






  S N A P S H O T S  

-  got the wellies out for the snow
-  whole foods + date night
-  target fun with my baby boy
-  saturday mornings are my favorite


   M O M E N T S  +  H A P P E N I N G S     

i had the day off on monday. we woke up, had breakfast. (banana for him, coffee for me.) i cleaned up the house while he followed me and helped. ("helped"). we made a quick target run for some makeup. we ventured back home and had a relaxing evening with jared. it was such a delightful day.

winter weather returned this week. a couple inches of snow fell on tuesday night, but thankfully the roads weren't bad the next day. the sun - the sun! - finally came out. it didn't warm up any, but just having the sunshine made it feel warmer. c'mon, spring!

jackson head butted me right on the mouth. by the time i made it to the bathroom, it was swollen + red. it was lovely because it happened twenty minutes before we were leaving for a date night. luckily it wasn't that noticeable. or at least that's what jared kept telling me. he's sweet, even if he's fibbing a little to protect my pride.
 
we had two date nights in a row this weekend, which never happens. on friday night, we had a double date with my sister-in-law + my brother-in-law. we ate sushi. it was their first time, and it reminded me of when i first tried sushi. jared + i had only been dating for about three weeks. i liked it, although i didn't quite care for the seaweed paper. now i get my rolls with soy paper, and could eat sushi every day.

on saturday night, jared + i drove out east to fuzzy's for some mexican food. after dinner, we went to whole foods for coffee + a cookie. i got the salted caramel cookie, and jared got the white chocolate cranberry - both were delicious! we then listened to mega on the drive home. that podcast is hilarious!

i finished the woman in the window. i give it a solid three stars. i liked it. the ending freaked me out a little, but it was still a good read.


   L E S S O N S  +  R E A L I Z A T I O N S    

-  we change time in two weeks, and I AM SO READY.

-  read ALL the directions on recipes ahead of time. i started an enchilada soup on thursday night. while getting out the ingredients, i realized the recipe was a crockpot meal designed to cook for eight hours. oops. luckily, it still turned out okay.


Sunday, February 17, 2019

THE WEEKLY: feb 11th - feb 17th.





  S N A P S H O T S  

-  cake donuts are too delicious.
-  this kid.
-  writing.
-  i've successfully kept these alive for two months!


   M O M E N T S  +  H A P P E N I N G S     

i am determined to recap each week, but there just wasn't a lot of happenings this week. it was a typical work week. jared clocked in fifteen hours of overtime. we had some icy weather on friday. i went to aldi on saturday and ran in to a long-time reader of my blog. (seriously so cool. i forget that people actually still read this sometimes!)

i set two goals for the week, and i sort of accomplished them? first was to nail down my enneagram number. what i do know is that i'm not a 1, 2, 3, 5, 7, or 8. so that leaves 4, 6, 9. progress. and the second goal was to find my next book to read. after no luck with finding books that didn't have twelve thousand holds, i settled on the woman in the window because it was on my kindle.  



   L E S S O N S  +  R E A L I Z A T I O N S    

-  sunflower seed butter tastes delicious!

-  instead of letting the clean laundry sit in/on the dryer, i separate it into three baskets (jared's, mine + jackson's). i'll put the baskets in our bedrooms so that i can put the clothes away at the end of the day. i have a bad habit of just leaving the clothes in the dryer, so this helps keep the clutter at bay.

Sunday, February 10, 2019

THE WEEKLY: feb 4th - feb 10th.





  S N A P S H O T S  

-  myriad botanical gardens.
-  madagascar rose latte.
-  my love.
-  trader joe's flowers.


   M O M E N T S  +  H A P P E N I N G S     

-  we had three straight mornings of icy weather. before i married jared, i never drove in bad weather, so it's always a big deal when i have to do it now.

-  jared + i took an overnight trip to OKC on friday. jackson stayed with my parents and had so much fun. we stayed at a ballllller hotel, drank so much coffee, visited the botanical gardens, watched aqua man, and stopped by trader joe's! it was so much fun for us to get away, even if it was only for a short time.

-  i finished the wondering years by know mccoy. i give it a solid four stars.



   L E S S O N S   +  R E A L I Z A T I O N S    

-  trader joe's is everything i imagined it to be.

-  i should really start writing things down because i can't remember anything that happened this week. LOL.

Sunday, February 3, 2019

THE WEEKLY: jan 28th - feb 3rd.





  S N A P S H O T S  

-  exploring
-  sunrise on my way to work
-  cake donut at work
-  winter nature


   M O M E N T S  +  H A P P E N I N G S     

-  i was featured on wichita life ICT this week!

-  we ventured out of the house on saturday to take in the delightful weather. after a bitter cold week, sunshine + fresh air were exactly what we needed!

-  jackson woke up, so jared was in his room getting him changed, and i heard him say, "oh no." call it whatever you want, but i already knew what he was talking about. i felt his "oh no" all the way in my bones. LOL. jackson had thrown up sometime in the night. he never cried for us because it had been there for a while. at the time i'm typing this, he has been totally fine. jared + i have dreaded the day he gets a stomach virus, so hopefully this isn't that.



   L E S S O N S   +  R E A L I Z A T I O N S    

-  "what is right/working for us at this very moment?" -- this is a great viewpoint for motherhood or really any season of life. sometimes i can be so focused on what "should be" or what i think something should look like, but looking at what works for our family at this moment instead of looking ahead or around at other people is better for me + us.

-  i challenged myself to read before bed each night instead of scrolling mindlessly on my phone or watching tv. i love reading, but sometimes i get lazy.

Sunday, January 27, 2019

THE WEEKLY: jan 21st - 27th.




  S N A P S H O T S  

-  coffee shop hangs
-  he was really proud of his outfit
-  family date night
-  beautiful sunrise on my way to work


   M O M E N T S  +  H A P P E N I N G S     

-  i finally kicked the nasty cold that stuck around for way too long.

-  we have started budgeting our groceries, and it's weirdly fun. maybe it's just the challenge of it all.

-  we tried a new coffee shop in the delano district. it's my new favorite in wichita.

-  i was outside sunday afternoon, sitting on the grass because the weather was gorgeous when i spotted a flower... in january! i've always said that seeing a flower - especially when it really shouldn't be there - is God's way of showing me that He sees me. the past few weeks have had some challenges, some heartbreaks, and i'm so comforted that He sees + knows me.



   L E S S O N S   +  R E A L I Z A T I O N S    

-  i tweeted about the recent law that was passed in new york. you can read it here.

-  four years ago today, jared messaged me on the dating app we were both on. "99% match is pretty good." even to this day, i still have moments where i cannot believe he's my husband. he was everything i prayed for + so much more.

Sunday, January 20, 2019

THE WEEKLY: jan 14th - 20th




  S N A P S H O T S  

-  snowy selfie.
-  my life motto.
-  icy weather.
-  silly kid at target.


   M O M E N T S  +  H A P P E N I N G S     

-  i caught a horrible cold this week. i ended up leaving work on thursday. it's still lingering, but i don't feel like death.

-  jackson started saying DO-DO-DO-DO-DO, and i find it so dang cute. he loves baby shark!

-  we decided to but groceries on friday night (we are so wild, i know) + as we walked to the exit doors, we saw it had started snowing so hard! oops. jared parked by the entrance so we could load everything. i was so surprised when jackson started freaking out - the snow scared him! we made it home, and jared made it safely to and from work the next day. i actually enjoyed the snowy weather for once. (i didn't have to drive in it, so that's 100% why.)



   L E S S O N S   +  R E A L I Z A T I O N S    

-  i had this thought while driving home from work this week- you know how a song or a scent can bring back a memory? there are moments we're living right now that we will look back on when a song comes on the radio or when a specific scent takes us back to this time, these moments. and i'm not sure why, but that brings me some comfort.

-  just because certain people are loud about stuff on the internet doesn't mean it's a majority. the media would have us believe otherwise.

Sunday, January 13, 2019

THE WEEKLY: jan 7th - 13th.




  S N A P S H O T S  

-  beautiful sunrise.
-  i've successfully kept these plants alive.
-  powersheets.
-  he's so fly.


   M O M E N T S  +  H A P P E N I N G S     

-  jackson slept horribly on monday. he was awake from 1-4:30 am. but there was a moment that overshadowed all the lost sleep. i was laying on the couch, just hoping he'd eventually wear himself out. i asked him if he'd like to get on the couch and cuddle with mommy. he proceeded to climb up + get under the blanket with me. he fell asleep less than five minutes later. jared got up right after that to get ready for work, so i took jackson to bed with me, and we cuddled until it was time to get up. i may have only had three hours of sleep, but ironically it was worth it in some strange way. i also ended up taking the day of work, so that probably had something to do with it.

-  jared + i had a looooong discussion about what we want this year to look like financially. we made plans to get out of some debt we've accrued in our marriage. it's not substantial, but we are thinking about our future for once.

-  saturday was a rare lazy day at our home. we ventured out for an early dinner at texas roadhouse, and then had a game night with friends.




   L E S S O N S   +  R E A L I Z A T I O N S    

-  in my reading of the chronological bible plan, the reading for this week was in job. God's Word is always timely for me. instead of mourning with job, his friends were trying to explain everything away. tara-leigh said something that really resonated with me: "we are called to mourn with those who mourn, not advise those who mourn."

-  my polaroid project is on week two, and i already had a moment of, oh crap, what am i going to take a photo of? when i did this project back in 2014, i was living with my parents on their 10-acre property where there was no shortage of photo-worthy adventures. now that i live in a big city, i'm really having to think outside the box, but that's what i love about it.

-  our childcare situation changed again this week, and we've come to the realization that daycare is our only option at this point. it's all kinda up in the air at the moment, and after lots of tears + prayers + talking it over, we are at peace with it.


Sunday, January 6, 2019

THE WEEKLY: dec 31st - jan 6th.




  S N A P S H O T S  

-  polaroid camera.
-  beautiful sunset.
-  exploring our backyard.
-  jackson loves being outside.


   M O M E N T S  +  H A P P E N I N G S     

-  we welcomed the new year with a kiss at midnight + then immediately going to bed. but jackson blessed us by sleeping in the next morning until eight!

-  i am really loving the bible recap as i read the bible chronologically.

-  saturday was unseasonable warm - sixty degrees! we spent the entire afternoon outside, and it was glorious.

-  i started my polaroid project for 2019. i did this five years ago, and it was my favorite creative project to date.

+  movies watched:  bird box (***)  //  crazy rich asians (***)



   L E S S O N S   +  R E A L I Z A T I O N S    

-  we watched "crazy rich asians" this week, and we asked some friends if they had watched it. he rolled his eyes, and quickly said no. his wife is from china, and she said the movie plays on every stereotype of that culture. i found that perspective so interesting.

-  jackson sees more than i know. saturday was a really, really emotional day for us. i was listening to worship music + crying when jackson came up to me and held up his arms for me to hold him. i picked him up, and he laid his head down while tears + praise poured out of me for about ten minutes. he knew i was very sad, and i love that his heart was tender toward that.

Tuesday, January 1, 2019

2 0 1 9




happy new year!

it's january first. like many people, i'm thinking about the next 365 days. what i want to accomplish and such. i have a running list of adventures + to-dos for the new year ahead. but as far as the rest, i'm holding it with open hands.

my main focus for the new year is JESUS. every goal + intention i've set points back to Him in some way. i realized while working thru my powersheets prep that if i'm not living for Jesus with every part of my life, then it's meaningless.

i don't mean that to sound dramatically ecclesiastical. it's just that there was an awakening in my faith in 2018; a re-birth, if you will. i experienced God in a fresh, intimate way. as i began to think about the new year ahead, i realized that if i'm not making Him my focal point, then i'm focusing on all the wrong things.


  a few goals + intentions for 2019:  


-  read thru the bible.

i did this once several years ago. it was purely out of selfish gain - to be able to say i read the bible all the way through. but i stumbled across the bible recap + knew it was something i wanted for the new year. it's a chronological read-thru of the bible with a short commentary podcast each day. i can read the Word myself, and not only glean from what the Spirit has to say, but get fresh perspective from tara-leigh, who i respect immensely.

-  serve my family well.

major caveat here: well does NOT mean perfect. that was what i was striving to be for so long - the perfect wife + mom. when i let go of who i thought i should be for my family, freedom entered my life. i cannot do everything + be everything to my boys. what i can be is a helpmate to jared, and a loving, caring mother to jackson.

-  create.

write. take photos. read books. start my polaroid project for 2019. adventure around my city. do whatever makes my soul come alive. nurture my creative side in many ways, even if that means just going to an evening walk to admire the nature in our neighborhood.


there are other areas of my life i want improve, but these three are my focus - at least for the first few months of the year. choosing a word for the year has always been fun, but in the last couple years, i've noticed that choosing a word for the quarter is more my style. my work for Q1 of 2019 is   C R E A T E  

create more space for the people + activities i love.
create more margin for rest.
create time for Jesus each + every day.
create a practice of daily thankfulness.
create a home that's inviting + full of life.
create art thru different lenses + avenues.

just    C R E A T E