Sunday, June 2, 2019

THE WEEKLY: may 27th - june 2nd





  S N A P S H O T S  

-  this kid loves being outside
-  my favorite coffee shop + my favorite flowers
-  pastel skies
-  flowers to plant from our neighbor


   M O M E N T S  +  H A P P E N I N G S   

i haven't blogged lately because life has been full. not busy. i don't like that term. but full, yes. lots of evenings spent outside on our pergola. (except for the week it rained forrrrrever.) work has been crazy and will stay that way for another month or so. jackson is growing + learning + talking.

summer is here, and i'm happy. the last two summers were BANANAS. we had a newborn in 2017 and last summer was completely dedicated to our home renovation. now we are settled and jackson is almost two. that saying - the days are long, but the years are short - is so true.

several people have asked how i am lately after the miscarriage in april. i can honestly say that i am good. i am so, so grateful for everyone who has lifted me up to the feet of Jesus. i felt your prayers when i was at my lowest. He is good. i know this to be true. i don't know what the future holds, but i know that He is where true joy is. He is why i wake up every day and live.

jared celebrated his birthday on saturday. we went out to dinner and shopped afterward. it was a low-key day, but still nice.

i have been reading a lot lately. i finished station eleven + really enjoyed it! i am now reading educated, and wow, what an insane story.



   L E S S O N S  +  R E A L I Z A T I O N S   

-  i started planning jackson's second birthday this week. if i think about it too much, i tear up. that little boy brings so much laughter + joy to our lives. he is a typical toddler, but oh mylanta, he is the sweetest.

-  the only good thing about winter is that there are no mosquitos.

-  it's time for a hair change. i'm totally set on cutting it short-ish, but i'm not sure about the color yet.


Sunday, May 5, 2019

THE WEEKLY: april 29th - may 5th.





  S N A P S H O T S  

-  celebratory latte
-  current read
-  bubbles
-  storming


   M O M E N T S  +  H A P P E N I N G S   

- we officially closed on our home! last summer, we renovated 95% of this house. it was a huge project, but so worth every bit of blood, sweat, & tears.

-  i accepted a new position at work. i'm still in the accounting department, but my job duties have changed.

-  my family came up from oklahoma for a quick visit on saturday. jackson loves his nana!

- finally started reading station eleven. i was on the wait list at the library for months.



   L E S S O N S  +  R E A L I Z A T I O N S   

-   i have a tendency to hold people at arm's length for fear that they will find out that i'm not perfect. it's almost laughable to me as i read those words, but after a lengthy conversation with jared, it all makes sense. since my last miscarriage, i have had a major awakening- in my self-awareness, my marriage, my outlook, my mothering, basically my whole life. it's wild + humbling + overwhelming.

Friday, May 3, 2019

friday links.




zee elephant in the room. //  i cried at my desk after reading this article.

+  my friend, hannah, has a blog + girlfriend has so much wisdom.

+  if the books of the bible were GIFs.  //  this twitter thread is everything.

+  i make these protein balls legit twice a week. they are rullll good. eating one (four) as i type this post.

+  when satan steals your motherhood.  //  this article also made me cry at my desk.

+  i'm in a major book rut. i think book two of the inspector gamache series is up next for me.


Sunday, April 28, 2019

THE WEEKLY: april 22nd - april 28th





  S N A P S H O T S  

-  my love
-  avengerssssss
-  morning light
-  peace


   M O M E N T S  +  H A P P E N I N G S   

i took monday off work because i needed one more day to recover. i mostly spent the day watching NCIS, but it was much needed. i went back to work on tuesday, and it was hard, but i did it.

we have been spending the majority of our evenings outside. jackson runs around + we sit on the swing. it's delightful.

on friday, we went to the lake to see jared's parents. jackson was not interested in fishing, but he liked throwing rocks.

we watched the new avengers movie, and all i have to say is OH, MYLANTA.



   L E S S O N S  +  R E A L I Z A T I O N S   

-  i realized that some of the anger i had at God was actually disappointment. my due date would have been my grandma gracie's birthday. there was this wonderful story that led up to this pregnancy, and i just thought it would be this big redemption story that i could share as a testimony. and then it wasn't. and i was so disappointed.

-  internet friends are so wonderful.

-  it's okay to grieve. and it's also okay to do the things i love (blogging, reading, etc) while grieving.

-  "He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together." [colossians 1:17]




He is where the joy is.




it has been a week since we lost out third baby via miscarriage.

i was mentally/physically/spiritually at one of the lowest points of my life. i shut everyone out except jared + my mom. people told me they were praying for me, and i secretly wanted to tell them that it didn't matter. the grief i felt was so heavy. i didn't want to leave the house ever again.

but i did. i went back to work on tuesday. i had a lot of anxiety about it, but i did okay. a co-worker fumbled through a "sorry for your loss" and finally stopped and said, "i don't honestly know what to say." neither do i, really. throughout this entire loss, (all three really, but the most recent even more so) the most comforting words are ones that don't try to explain it away. no compartmentalizing or giving a quippy answer like "there is a reason for everything" or some christianize statement to gloss over the pain.

on friday, we went to the lake for a few hours to see jared's parents + introduce jackson to fishing. (spoiler alert: he was only interested in throwing rocks into the water.) on the drive out there, we talked about my day, and jared commented on how i seemed a little more like myself. i agreed. in the first few days after our loss, i was so despondent that i wondered if i would ever move on from the immense grief + pain that seemed to infect every cell of my body.

while i haven't "moved on" - i have made an effort to still live my life. this looks like treating myself to sheet masks from target, reading my bible, going outside to soak in the sun, listening to t-swift's song too many times, and putting my phone down to soak in the little bits of beauty around me.

so many people have reached out, and i am overwhelmingly grateful. to those who have lifted me up to the feet of Jesus, thank you. He is where the joy is, even in the pain + grief.

Tuesday, April 23, 2019

poster child.




i never wanted to be the poster child for miscarriage, but here i am.

last thursday, i went in for an ultrasound. i was 10 weeks pregnant. a few days before, i just knew something had happened. the nausea + exhaustion were basically gone overnight. as the ultrasound tech started, my fears were confirmed. she did the measurements, and then mumbled something i can't remember. i kinda wanted to punch her in the face and tell her i wasn't an idiot. i knew there was no heartbeat. five minutes later, a PA came in to deliver the news. i cut her off as she started. "i already know." she apologized and asked if it was my first. i shook my head and whispered, "my third."

i shared about my first miscarriage last summer. i was 9 weeks along. i never publicly shared about the second one - five days into 2019, i miscarried at 5 weeks. it was hard, but i felt so much comfort from the Lord. i think there was a part of me that didn't believe it would happen again. like i had met my quota or something.

and yet- here i am again. my third miscarriage in nine months.

this time, i feel numb. the Lord feels distant, mostly of my own doing. i screamed at Him in my car on thursday morning, and i haven't said much to Him since. i tried praying this morning, but an hour later, the grief and questions took over again. between the distance and my anger, i wonder if He is even there. how could a God who is Love give me three dead babies? where is the love in that?

i haven't really left the house much the last several days. i don't need sad eyes looking my way. i don't need people asking me how i am. i don't need speculations or opinions on what i should do next or what so-and-so did. i don't need comfort or hugs or good vibes. there was a very low point where i didn't want any prayers, which means i desperately need them. i haven't turned my back on God, and i haven't forgotten all He has done for me. i'm just so numb. angry. broken.

miscarriage makes people uncomfortable. no one knows what to say and rightly so. the absolute best thing that a few people have told me is this: there are no words that i can say to make this better. the fact that they didn't try to explain it away or sugarcoat it with quippy phrases gave me the tiniest bit of solace.

-----------

this may be the rawest thing i've ever written in my eight years of blogging. i didn't edit anything. i thought maybe writing it out would be therapeutic in some way. i never actually intended to share this with the world, but as i searched the internet for other stories, i kept coming across info posts about miscarriage, but not actual stories from real women. i didn't need another article detailing the step-by-step process because- hello, i'm already living it. i just wanted to know that maybe someone out there felt the same emptiness that i did.

but in posting this for the world to read, my hope is that when another woman has just been given devastating news of a miscarriage, she will come across my words and know that she's not alone.

miscarriage is a lonely experience. unless you've actually experienced it, you will never truly know that painful emotional + physical toll it takes on a woman. no one wants to be a statistic. i will never understand why it happened on this side of heaven. but i'm trying to take it day by day, moment by moment.


Sunday, March 24, 2019

THE WEEKLY: march 18th - 24th





  S N A P S H O T S  

-  pretty kansas sky
-  i love that kid
-  beep, beep
-  odd yet beautiful plant in our backyard


   M O M E N T S  +  H A P P E N I N G S   

jared started a new project on the house. it's the first major one since we moved in last august after the remodel over the summer. he started off with a plan to put new composite over the existing deck, but quickly discovered he'd have to re-frame the entire thing. [isn't that what happens with all house projects? starts out simple, ends up a nightmare?] he finished it saturday night, and it looks awesome. he still has a lot of work to do to get it ready for our summer parties, but this is a great start.

jackson + i have started a little routine before bed of reading books. it's mostly him turning the pages before i'm finished reading and pointing out the objects he knows, but i'll take it! he curls up next to me, and it makes my heart burst.

the weather was delightful this week, and we welcomed the first official day of spring.


   L E S S O N S  +  R E A L I Z A T I O N S   

-  it baffles me that jackson will be turning two in just a few months. i'm not ready to talk about it.

-  the Word of God never returns void, even after reading it over and over again for the past decade. i love scripture. this isn't a realization, but more of a reiteration.

-  i miss the way blogging used to be. i miss when instagram was a place to share art. those things can be what we make it, but i still miss what it was before giveaways/ads/numbers became a thing.

Sunday, March 17, 2019

THE WEEKLY: march 11th - march 17th





  S N A P S H O T S  

-  saturday mornings are my favorite.
-  evening playtime in the backyard.
-  this boy loves books.
-  spring is coming, y'all.


   M O M E N T S  +  H A P P E N I N G S   

we have been fighting some sort of sickness for almost two weeks. once a sickly one gets better, someone else gets it or another virus. i know this is normal, especially with a toddler, but i'm over it.

it was still light when i got home on monday evening, and the weather wasn't freezing cold, so we started a fire + played outside with jackson for a good chunk of the evening. spring is coming, and my heart could burst from excitement!

i have been using the ibotta app to get a little cash back. it is kind of a slow process, and they don't offer it for online/pick-up orders yet, but so far, i've racked up $5. here is a referral code. (i get money from this, but hey - you do as well!)

i finished my first judy blume book. most people probably read these as kids, but i did not. it was cute. [also on the topic of books, i started ellie kemper's new book, and DNF'd it. i can count on one hand the number of books i haven't finished because it kills me to do so. but maybe this just isn't the time for me to read that book. i truly believe that books can find us at just the right time.]

i had an unexpected day off in the middle of the week. even though it was due to sickness, it was much needed for me to rest + recharge.

jackson had his first major fall this weekend. he was trying to walk down the step, and tripped. he fell face first onto the concrete. he has a huuuuge booboo. it's sad, but he asked for snacks five minutes later, so i think he will be okay. :)

the iced cloud caramel macchiato from starbucks is LEGIT, you guys.



   L E S S O N S  +  R E A L I Z A T I O N S   

-  this is a major unpopular opinion (and one that would've made me cringe + roll my eyes had i heard this a few years ago), but i prefer my kindle to physical books. it's 100% because of this season in my life. i can really only read before bed, and i don't want to keep jared awake with a light. there are also times i can read while jackson is playing, and having a kindle is so much easier in those instances.

-  do the evenings seem to fly by for anyone else now that we have extra daylight?

-  the baby we lost last summer would have been born earlier this month. i will always carry that loss with me, but i find comfort in knowing that when he/she opened their eyes, the first face they saw was Jesus. i wouldn't say it has gotten easier - it's always there - but i have a peace about it. there's a lot more to this story that i will share some day. for now, about the only thing i can do is give it to the Lord, knowing that He is the true source of comfort.


Sunday, March 10, 2019

THE WEEKLY: march 4th - march 10th





  S N A P S H O T S  

-  hopefully the last of winter
-  the reverie at sunset
-  signs of spring
-  saturday evening drive


   M O M E N T S  +  H A P P E N I N G S   

i had a cold this week, but thankfully it wasn't too bad. even more thankful that jackson didn't catch it.

i have made three batches of these peanut butter bites in the last week.

on friday night, i went with my MIL to a women's night at our church. it was fun, and i'm glad i went.

my family came to wichita on saturday, and it was exactly what i needed. my mama + i went shopping with jackson while the boys went to the hardware store, and it was like old times with her. i miss those days, and it's so special to have those moments with when we can, especially with jackson as our little helper.

we changed time on sunday, and even though i felt the effects, i'm not complaining because WE GET MORE DAYLIGHT! bring on spring and warmer weather and all the blooms!

i started reading a judy blume book because i never read them as a kid. so far, it's cute for what it is.


   L E S S O N S  +  R E A L I Z A T I O N S   

-  being connected to a local church is crucial. the church is getting a lot of hate these days, but that doesn't mean we turn our back on it. gathering with other believers to worship and hear the Word will always be good for my soul and my life.

- this was the third weekend in a row that jared + i ate at fuzzy's. i'm not mad about it.


Sunday, March 3, 2019

THE WEEKLY: feb 25th - march 3rd.






  S N A P S H O T S  

-  the best vanilla latte ever
-  snowy weather outside the window
-  silly boy
-  another photo of my favorite coffee shop


   M O M E N T S  +  H A P P E N I N G S     

i started + finished reading "he said/she said". it had me hooked in the first few pages, but i'm really conflicted about the ending. around the 75% mark, i was thinking that the book was about to wrap up. then a big, unexpected twist happened, and it changed the trajectory of the entire book. i realize that's why it's called a twist, and it's just fiction, but still. i finished the last page and just stared at the ceiling for a while.

we went to dinner with friends on saturday night. afterward we hung out at my favorite coffee shop and talked while jackson made so much noise that i just knew some of the other patrons were silently judging us for bringing a toddler into a coffee shop.

it's said that march comes in like a lion and out like a lamb. we woke up on sunday to three inches of snow (and drifts up to my knees). i'm over winter. i'm starting to wonder if spring will ever happen. (it will, i know. don't tell me to enjoy the present, janet.)


   L E S S O N S  +  R E A L I Z A T I O N S    

-  when jackson was teeny tiny, i was so afraid that he'd cry when i was in public that i rarely went out with him. this weekend, there were a couple times when he was rather loud (read: screaming) and i calmed him without embarrassment. there was apparently a table next to us with some women who (jared said) gave some glares, and it didn't bother me. kids are kids. if someone doesn't understand that, oh well. i'm not going to let jackson run around like a maniac, but i'm not going to run away because some people snub their nose. (confession: i probably snubbed my nose over the years before i had jackson. it is what it is.)

-  i have been singing the wrong lyrics (yet again!) to a song for over two decades. instead of singing "how bizarre?" - i've been singing "how was i?" and i have laughed at myself for days because that sounds like something i'd do.

Sunday, February 24, 2019

THE WEEKLY: feb 18th - feb 24th.






  S N A P S H O T S  

-  got the wellies out for the snow
-  whole foods + date night
-  target fun with my baby boy
-  saturday mornings are my favorite


   M O M E N T S  +  H A P P E N I N G S     

i had the day off on monday. we woke up, had breakfast. (banana for him, coffee for me.) i cleaned up the house while he followed me and helped. ("helped"). we made a quick target run for some makeup. we ventured back home and had a relaxing evening with jared. it was such a delightful day.

winter weather returned this week. a couple inches of snow fell on tuesday night, but thankfully the roads weren't bad the next day. the sun - the sun! - finally came out. it didn't warm up any, but just having the sunshine made it feel warmer. c'mon, spring!

jackson head butted me right on the mouth. by the time i made it to the bathroom, it was swollen + red. it was lovely because it happened twenty minutes before we were leaving for a date night. luckily it wasn't that noticeable. or at least that's what jared kept telling me. he's sweet, even if he's fibbing a little to protect my pride.
 
we had two date nights in a row this weekend, which never happens. on friday night, we had a double date with my sister-in-law + my brother-in-law. we ate sushi. it was their first time, and it reminded me of when i first tried sushi. jared + i had only been dating for about three weeks. i liked it, although i didn't quite care for the seaweed paper. now i get my rolls with soy paper, and could eat sushi every day.

on saturday night, jared + i drove out east to fuzzy's for some mexican food. after dinner, we went to whole foods for coffee + a cookie. i got the salted caramel cookie, and jared got the white chocolate cranberry - both were delicious! we then listened to mega on the drive home. that podcast is hilarious!

i finished the woman in the window. i give it a solid three stars. i liked it. the ending freaked me out a little, but it was still a good read.


   L E S S O N S  +  R E A L I Z A T I O N S    

-  we change time in two weeks, and I AM SO READY.

-  read ALL the directions on recipes ahead of time. i started an enchilada soup on thursday night. while getting out the ingredients, i realized the recipe was a crockpot meal designed to cook for eight hours. oops. luckily, it still turned out okay.


Sunday, February 17, 2019

THE WEEKLY: feb 11th - feb 17th.





  S N A P S H O T S  

-  cake donuts are too delicious.
-  this kid.
-  writing.
-  i've successfully kept these alive for two months!


   M O M E N T S  +  H A P P E N I N G S     

i am determined to recap each week, but there just wasn't a lot of happenings this week. it was a typical work week. jared clocked in fifteen hours of overtime. we had some icy weather on friday. i went to aldi on saturday and ran in to a long-time reader of my blog. (seriously so cool. i forget that people actually still read this sometimes!)

i set two goals for the week, and i sort of accomplished them? first was to nail down my enneagram number. what i do know is that i'm not a 1, 2, 3, 5, 7, or 8. so that leaves 4, 6, 9. progress. and the second goal was to find my next book to read. after no luck with finding books that didn't have twelve thousand holds, i settled on the woman in the window because it was on my kindle.  



   L E S S O N S  +  R E A L I Z A T I O N S    

-  sunflower seed butter tastes delicious!

-  instead of letting the clean laundry sit in/on the dryer, i separate it into three baskets (jared's, mine + jackson's). i'll put the baskets in our bedrooms so that i can put the clothes away at the end of the day. i have a bad habit of just leaving the clothes in the dryer, so this helps keep the clutter at bay.

Sunday, February 10, 2019

THE WEEKLY: feb 4th - feb 10th.





  S N A P S H O T S  

-  myriad botanical gardens.
-  madagascar rose latte.
-  my love.
-  trader joe's flowers.


   M O M E N T S  +  H A P P E N I N G S     

-  we had three straight mornings of icy weather. before i married jared, i never drove in bad weather, so it's always a big deal when i have to do it now.

-  jared + i took an overnight trip to OKC on friday. jackson stayed with my parents and had so much fun. we stayed at a ballllller hotel, drank so much coffee, visited the botanical gardens, watched aqua man, and stopped by trader joe's! it was so much fun for us to get away, even if it was only for a short time.

-  i finished the wondering years by know mccoy. i give it a solid four stars.



   L E S S O N S   +  R E A L I Z A T I O N S    

-  trader joe's is everything i imagined it to be.

-  i should really start writing things down because i can't remember anything that happened this week. LOL.

Sunday, February 3, 2019

THE WEEKLY: jan 28th - feb 3rd.





  S N A P S H O T S  

-  exploring
-  sunrise on my way to work
-  cake donut at work
-  winter nature


   M O M E N T S  +  H A P P E N I N G S     

-  i was featured on wichita life ICT this week!

-  we ventured out of the house on saturday to take in the delightful weather. after a bitter cold week, sunshine + fresh air were exactly what we needed!

-  jackson woke up, so jared was in his room getting him changed, and i heard him say, "oh no." call it whatever you want, but i already knew what he was talking about. i felt his "oh no" all the way in my bones. LOL. jackson had thrown up sometime in the night. he never cried for us because it had been there for a while. at the time i'm typing this, he has been totally fine. jared + i have dreaded the day he gets a stomach virus, so hopefully this isn't that.



   L E S S O N S   +  R E A L I Z A T I O N S    

-  "what is right/working for us at this very moment?" -- this is a great viewpoint for motherhood or really any season of life. sometimes i can be so focused on what "should be" or what i think something should look like, but looking at what works for our family at this moment instead of looking ahead or around at other people is better for me + us.

-  i challenged myself to read before bed each night instead of scrolling mindlessly on my phone or watching tv. i love reading, but sometimes i get lazy.

Sunday, January 27, 2019

THE WEEKLY: jan 21st - 27th.




  S N A P S H O T S  

-  coffee shop hangs
-  he was really proud of his outfit
-  family date night
-  beautiful sunrise on my way to work


   M O M E N T S  +  H A P P E N I N G S     

-  i finally kicked the nasty cold that stuck around for way too long.

-  we have started budgeting our groceries, and it's weirdly fun. maybe it's just the challenge of it all.

-  we tried a new coffee shop in the delano district. it's my new favorite in wichita.

-  i was outside sunday afternoon, sitting on the grass because the weather was gorgeous when i spotted a flower... in january! i've always said that seeing a flower - especially when it really shouldn't be there - is God's way of showing me that He sees me. the past few weeks have had some challenges, some heartbreaks, and i'm so comforted that He sees + knows me.



   L E S S O N S   +  R E A L I Z A T I O N S    

-  i tweeted about the recent law that was passed in new york. you can read it here.

-  four years ago today, jared messaged me on the dating app we were both on. "99% match is pretty good." even to this day, i still have moments where i cannot believe he's my husband. he was everything i prayed for + so much more.

Sunday, January 20, 2019

THE WEEKLY: jan 14th - 20th




  S N A P S H O T S  

-  snowy selfie.
-  my life motto.
-  icy weather.
-  silly kid at target.


   M O M E N T S  +  H A P P E N I N G S     

-  i caught a horrible cold this week. i ended up leaving work on thursday. it's still lingering, but i don't feel like death.

-  jackson started saying DO-DO-DO-DO-DO, and i find it so dang cute. he loves baby shark!

-  we decided to but groceries on friday night (we are so wild, i know) + as we walked to the exit doors, we saw it had started snowing so hard! oops. jared parked by the entrance so we could load everything. i was so surprised when jackson started freaking out - the snow scared him! we made it home, and jared made it safely to and from work the next day. i actually enjoyed the snowy weather for once. (i didn't have to drive in it, so that's 100% why.)



   L E S S O N S   +  R E A L I Z A T I O N S    

-  i had this thought while driving home from work this week- you know how a song or a scent can bring back a memory? there are moments we're living right now that we will look back on when a song comes on the radio or when a specific scent takes us back to this time, these moments. and i'm not sure why, but that brings me some comfort.

-  just because certain people are loud about stuff on the internet doesn't mean it's a majority. the media would have us believe otherwise.

Sunday, January 13, 2019

THE WEEKLY: jan 7th - 13th.




  S N A P S H O T S  

-  beautiful sunrise.
-  i've successfully kept these plants alive.
-  powersheets.
-  he's so fly.


   M O M E N T S  +  H A P P E N I N G S     

-  jackson slept horribly on monday. he was awake from 1-4:30 am. but there was a moment that overshadowed all the lost sleep. i was laying on the couch, just hoping he'd eventually wear himself out. i asked him if he'd like to get on the couch and cuddle with mommy. he proceeded to climb up + get under the blanket with me. he fell asleep less than five minutes later. jared got up right after that to get ready for work, so i took jackson to bed with me, and we cuddled until it was time to get up. i may have only had three hours of sleep, but ironically it was worth it in some strange way. i also ended up taking the day of work, so that probably had something to do with it.

-  jared + i had a looooong discussion about what we want this year to look like financially. we made plans to get out of some debt we've accrued in our marriage. it's not substantial, but we are thinking about our future for once.

-  saturday was a rare lazy day at our home. we ventured out for an early dinner at texas roadhouse, and then had a game night with friends.




   L E S S O N S   +  R E A L I Z A T I O N S    

-  in my reading of the chronological bible plan, the reading for this week was in job. God's Word is always timely for me. instead of mourning with job, his friends were trying to explain everything away. tara-leigh said something that really resonated with me: "we are called to mourn with those who mourn, not advise those who mourn."

-  my polaroid project is on week two, and i already had a moment of, oh crap, what am i going to take a photo of? when i did this project back in 2014, i was living with my parents on their 10-acre property where there was no shortage of photo-worthy adventures. now that i live in a big city, i'm really having to think outside the box, but that's what i love about it.

-  our childcare situation changed again this week, and we've come to the realization that daycare is our only option at this point. it's all kinda up in the air at the moment, and after lots of tears + prayers + talking it over, we are at peace with it.


Sunday, January 6, 2019

THE WEEKLY: dec 31st - jan 6th.




  S N A P S H O T S  

-  polaroid camera.
-  beautiful sunset.
-  exploring our backyard.
-  jackson loves being outside.


   M O M E N T S  +  H A P P E N I N G S     

-  we welcomed the new year with a kiss at midnight + then immediately going to bed. but jackson blessed us by sleeping in the next morning until eight!

-  i am really loving the bible recap as i read the bible chronologically.

-  saturday was unseasonable warm - sixty degrees! we spent the entire afternoon outside, and it was glorious.

-  i started my polaroid project for 2019. i did this five years ago, and it was my favorite creative project to date.

+  movies watched:  bird box (***)  //  crazy rich asians (***)



   L E S S O N S   +  R E A L I Z A T I O N S    

-  we watched "crazy rich asians" this week, and we asked some friends if they had watched it. he rolled his eyes, and quickly said no. his wife is from china, and she said the movie plays on every stereotype of that culture. i found that perspective so interesting.

-  jackson sees more than i know. saturday was a really, really emotional day for us. i was listening to worship music + crying when jackson came up to me and held up his arms for me to hold him. i picked him up, and he laid his head down while tears + praise poured out of me for about ten minutes. he knew i was very sad, and i love that his heart was tender toward that.

Tuesday, January 1, 2019

2 0 1 9




happy new year!

it's january first. like many people, i'm thinking about the next 365 days. what i want to accomplish and such. i have a running list of adventures + to-dos for the new year ahead. but as far as the rest, i'm holding it with open hands.

my main focus for the new year is JESUS. every goal + intention i've set points back to Him in some way. i realized while working thru my powersheets prep that if i'm not living for Jesus with every part of my life, then it's meaningless.

i don't mean that to sound dramatically ecclesiastical. it's just that there was an awakening in my faith in 2018; a re-birth, if you will. i experienced God in a fresh, intimate way. as i began to think about the new year ahead, i realized that if i'm not making Him my focal point, then i'm focusing on all the wrong things.


  a few goals + intentions for 2019:  


-  read thru the bible.

i did this once several years ago. it was purely out of selfish gain - to be able to say i read the bible all the way through. but i stumbled across the bible recap + knew it was something i wanted for the new year. it's a chronological read-thru of the bible with a short commentary podcast each day. i can read the Word myself, and not only glean from what the Spirit has to say, but get fresh perspective from tara-leigh, who i respect immensely.

-  serve my family well.

major caveat here: well does NOT mean perfect. that was what i was striving to be for so long - the perfect wife + mom. when i let go of who i thought i should be for my family, freedom entered my life. i cannot do everything + be everything to my boys. what i can be is a helpmate to jared, and a loving, caring mother to jackson.

-  create.

write. take photos. read books. start my polaroid project for 2019. adventure around my city. do whatever makes my soul come alive. nurture my creative side in many ways, even if that means just going to an evening walk to admire the nature in our neighborhood.


there are other areas of my life i want improve, but these three are my focus - at least for the first few months of the year. choosing a word for the year has always been fun, but in the last couple years, i've noticed that choosing a word for the quarter is more my style. my work for Q1 of 2019 is   C R E A T E  

create more space for the people + activities i love.
create more margin for rest.
create time for Jesus each + every day.
create a practice of daily thankfulness.
create a home that's inviting + full of life.
create art thru different lenses + avenues.

just    C R E A T E